Subject: Marriage (Page 3)

My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, ‘pregnant.'

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for supper and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator.

After a while, marriage is a sibling relationship – marked by occasional and rather regrettable, episodes of incest.

(1949 – ) English novelist

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the happy wish to be married, the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Marriage: A deal in which a man gives away half his groceries in order to get the other half cooked.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

(1920 – 2006) American actress

There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate his wife.

(1903 – 1987 diplomat, playwright, journalist & politician

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.

(1928 – ) American psychologist & advice columnist

My wife made me a millionaire. Before she divorced me, I had three million.

professional hockey player

Remarriage is an excellent test of just how amicable your divorce was.

(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator

You might be a redneck if… the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.

(1963 – ) American comedian

My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night; now, we'll never see each other!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

(1613 – 1680) French writer

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host

My girlfriend say’s that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Have you heard about the woman who stabbed her husband thirty-seven times? … I admire her restraint.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they’ll fill out tons of paperwork.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

Marriage: A  relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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