Subject: Marriage (Page 3)

All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains; what good are brains to a man? … they only unsettle him.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

The girl who marries for money may find herself in debt for life.


Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.

(1894 – 1975) American comedian

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

(1982 – ) American author

Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.


They have come up with a perfect understanding; he won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.

Marriage is a mistake every man should make.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer

Men enter politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

(1909 – 1993) British naval historian & author

Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.

(1780 – 1832) English cleric, writer & collector

I won't tell you how many times my dad has been married, but if they were sandwiches, his next one would be free.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet

Bachelor: A man who can get out of bed from either side.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host

A woman I know is engaged to a real golf nut.  They are supposed to get married next Saturday…but only if it rains.

Remarriage is an excellent test of just how amicable your divorce was.

(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator

In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to ‘Until debt do us part.’

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist