Subject: Marriage (Page 35)

You know what I did before I married? … anything I wanted to.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

Altar: To change through marriage.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Here's to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

This coat I’m wearing is a present from my wife; I came home early one night and there it was, hanging over a chair.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they’ll fill out tons of paperwork.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

The first part of our marriage was very happy… but then, on the way back from the ceremony…

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

The father of the bride should realize he isn’t losing a daughter but gaining a bathroom.

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

(1982 – ) American author

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t; the trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

I am so against [gay marriage] because all my gay friends are out and if they get married, it will cost a fortune in gifts.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director