Subject: Marriage (Page 4)

The father of the bride should realize he isn’t losing a daughter but gaining a bathroom.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.

I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

These days the meaning of a faithful husband is one whose alimony checks arrive on time.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.

Churchill, in reply: If you were my wife, I’d drink it.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couple and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.

A man is incomplete until he is married; after that, he is finished.

(1917 – ) Hungarian-born American actress

I'm not upset about my divorce; I'm only upset I'm not a widow.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The snapshots you take of your husband are always more flattering than the ones he takes of you.

Alimony: The high cost of leaving.

My husband said he needed more space… so I locked him outside.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Georgie got engaged the way other people got haircuts; it was just something he did every few months whether he needed to or not.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You're only interested in one thing,” and you can't remember what it is.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

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