Subject: Marriage (Page 4)

My wife gets so jealous; she came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Divorce: Going through a change of wife.

Always get married early in the morning; that way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

(1920 – 2014) American actor & entertainer

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You're only interested in one thing,” and you can't remember what it is.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

The snapshots you take of your husband are always more flattering than the ones he takes of you.

Al, when I married you for richer or poorer, I thought we'd try one and then the other and then choose. I think we've gone just about as far as we can go with the first one.

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter

When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Women who drink white wine either want to get married, sell you a piece of real estate, or redecorate your house; either way, it's expensive.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Even in civilized mankind, faint traces of monogamous instinct can be perceived.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Marian Jordan (1898 – 1961) American radio comedian (of Fibber McGee & Molly)

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Retirement means twice as much husband on half as much money.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed; and if you really want to stay married, get two.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.

The woman cries before the wedding and the man after.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

From Here To Maternity

My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine.

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