Subject: Marriage (Page 4)

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couple and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

My last boyfriend gave me a piece of coal, and he told me that he would marry me when it turned into a diamond from all the pressure.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

My wife said: ‘I want an explanation and I want the truth.’ I said: ‘Make up your mind.’

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

I understand that many newlyweds are vacationing here (Niagara Falls)… I suppose seeing the falls was their second biggest disappointment.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

(1892 – 1964) singer, dancer, comedian, actor & songwriter

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.

(1954 – ) Australian author

I’ve been married four years now and it’s getting pretty serious.

American comedian

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

Barbara and I celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary yesterday… we are very happy, but I would be happier if she got a job!

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

I wish them a long and happy life; if it’s as long as their wedding, I’m sure they’ll be fine.

(1943 – ) English comedian, writer, television host & actor

Holy deadlock.

(1890 – 1971) English humorist, novelist & playwright

Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I don’t worry about terrorism… I was married for two years.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian

I’d go to the end of the world for my husband; of course, if he’d just stop and ask directions, I wouldn’t have to.

American author, speaker & comedy writer