Subject: Marriage (Page 5)

My parents got divorced after 40 years… that's the longest game of chicken ever.

American comedian

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.

(1885 – 1957) French stage actor, film actor, director, screenwriter & playwright

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

I support gay marriage because I believe they have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.

(1944 – ) American singer, songwriter, novelist, humorist, politician & columnist

You might be a redneck if… your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Every American woman has two souls to call her own, the other being her husband's.

(1877 – 1947) British diarist & critic

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

My uncle always described an unforced error as his first marriage.

American journalist & tennis broadcaster

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician

You know that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist

Group sex… are you kidding, I had group sex… my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Seems like only a year ago they were married nine years!

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

The concept of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

(1890 – 1971) English humorist, novelist & playwright

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

My fiancé and I are having a little disagreement; what I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception; what he wants is to break off our engagement.


To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.

(1788 – 1860) German philosopher

Women who drink white wine either want to get married, sell you a piece of real estate, or redecorate your house; either way, it's expensive.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist













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