Subject: Marriage (Page 5)

A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

Many a man's lost his best friend by marrying her.

(1908 – 2003) American actor & dancer

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Altar: Place where a man loses control of himself.

One man's folly is another man's wife.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Many a necklace becomes a noose.

(1888 – 1982) American writer

Last week I planned my husband’s funeral; he hasn’t died yet, it’s just what I do when he annoys me.

comedian & actress

Marriage: A  relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.

comedian

Half a psychiatrist's patients see him because they are married – the other half because they're not.

(1905 –1998) American author

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer

I used to have a speech impediment, but we got divorced.

(1926 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Lockhorns)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

(1954 – ) Indian Professor of Journalism

You can make a lot of money in this game; just ask my ex-wives; both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

(1925 – 2005) television host

All of the troubles that some people have in life is that which they married into.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Marry your son when you will, but your daughter when you can.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Marriage ceremony: An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family.

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor