Subject: Marriage (Page 6)

Wayne Carter: Aren’t you forgetting that you’re married?

Flower Belle: I’m doin’ my best.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

Horse sense is what prevents a woman from becoming a nag.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Intelligence Marriage Wives

Married or Single? … there is no good choice; it’s like when your doctor says, ‘Ointment?' or ‘Suppositories’?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

Alimony: The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof.

Definitions Marriage

I never married because there was no need: I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband – I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

(1855 – 1924) English writer
Animals Cats Husbands Marriage

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Future Husbands Marriage Proverbs Time Wives

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Happiness Marriage

I am so against [gay marriage] because all my gay friends are out and if they get married, it will cost a fortune in gifts.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Marriage

A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him.

Marriage Men Murphy’s Laws People Women

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Marriage Sex

Husband: A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission to say so.

Definitions Husbands Marriage

My wife donates money to the homeless and I donate money to the topless.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Money Wives

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics Husbands Marriage

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they’ll fill out tons of paperwork.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Marriage

Bachelor: A man who can get out of bed from either side.

Definitions Marriage Men People

I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

(1925 – 2010) American film actor
Age Marriage Wives

Holy deadlock.

(1890 – 1971) English humorist, novelist & playwright
Marriage Wordplay

I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

(1926 – 2012) Irish comedian & actor
Health Love Marriage Wives

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

(1958 – ) screenwriter, film director & actor
Marriage

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes