Subject: Marriage (Page 8)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Georgie got engaged the way other people got haircuts; it was just something he did every few months whether he needed to or not.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Playing with your spouse on the golf course runs almost as great a marital risk as getting caught playing with someone else's anywhere else.

golf journalist

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things: first, never wallpaper together, and second, you’ll need two bathrooms – both for her.

(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.

typographer

A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose; last night she used me to time an egg.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

It's like my ex-wife… 21 different personalities and seven of them hated me.

American football coach

The trouble with most marriages is after she says ‘I do’, she won’t.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president

We were happily married for eight months… unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.


When you marry your mistress you create a job vacancy.

(1933 – 1997) Anglo-French billionaire financier

Optimist: The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor