Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Marriage
(Page 8)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Characteristics
Husbands
Marriage
Wives
Forgives
Georgie got engaged the way other people got haircuts; it was just something he did every few months whether he needed to or not.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Marriage
Engagements
George Jessel
Haircuts
Playing with your spouse on the golf course runs almost as great a marital risk as getting caught playing with someone else's anywhere else.
Peter Andrews
golf journalist
Golf
Marriage
Sports
Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
Anonymous
Divorce
Marriage
Alimony
After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things: first, never wallpaper together, and second, you’ll need two bathrooms – both for her.
Dennis Miller
(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality
Marriage
Bathrooms
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
typographer
Emotions
Happiness
Marriage
A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.
Edgar Watson Howe
(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Marriage
Men
People
Women
Proposals
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
Chris Rock
(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Marriage
People
Homosexuals
Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Language
Marriage
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose; last night she used me to time an egg.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex
Wives
Timer
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Insults
Wives
On the freezing temperature of his wife's feet and rear end in bed
Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.
Helen Rowland
(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Characteristics
Honesty
Husbands
Lies
It's like my ex-wife… 21 different personalities and seven of them hated me.
Jack Rose
American football coach
Football
Marriage
Sports
Wives
On his Ex-Wife
The trouble with most marriages is after she says ‘I do’, she won’t.
Anonymous
Marriage
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.
Abraham Lincoln
(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Marriage
Purgatory
We were happily married for eight months… unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.
NIck Faldo
Marriage
When you marry your mistress you create a job vacancy.
James Goldsmith
(1933 – 1997) Anglo-French billionaire financier
Marriage
Mistress
Optimist: The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Friends
Marriage
Men
Sisters
My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions
Happiness
Marriage
Time
Wives
There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.
Edgar Watson Howe
(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Husbands
Marriage
Shopping
Wives
Earning
Spending
Page 8 of 36
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