Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Marriage
(Page 9)
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Marriage
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage
Wives
Hearing aids
How it Works: The Wife
Jason Hazeley & Joel Morris
Book Titles
Marriage
Wives
If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Government
Law
Marriage
Wives
Police
Smiling
My wife donates money to the homeless and I donate money to the topless.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Money
Wives
Donates
Homeless
Topless
Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Alimony
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else’s position.
Anonymous
Marriage
Sex
Adultery
It was an arranged marriage, put together by drugs and alcohol.
Tom Papa
American comedian & television host
Alcohol
Drugs
Marriage
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse,
in secrets and in health.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops
Marriage
In sickness and in health
Year: The exact length of time that will pass from the day you get married to the day you forget your first anniversary.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Time
Year
Insanity: Grounds for divorce in some states; grounds for marriage in all
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Insanity
To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Life
Marriage
Time
I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, “Wow, that’s awesome. You’re going to make a great single mom.”
Brian Posehn
(1966 – ) American actor, musician & comedian
Children
Family
Marriage
All women marry beneath them.
Astor’s Axiom
Marriage
Murphy’s Laws
Women
(Nancy Astor)
At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?'… 'Oh, honey – that's up to Mommy, isn't it?'
Christopher Titus
(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Conflict
Killing
Marriage
Wives
How many husbands have I had?… do you mean apart from my own?
Zsa Zsa Gabor
(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Husbands
Marriage
Sex
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce; we decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Divorce
Marriage
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Austen's First Law
Marriage
Men
Murphy’s Laws
People
Wives
Jane Austen
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
My fiancé and I are having a little disagreement; what I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception; what he wants is to break off our engagement.
Sally Poplin
Dating
Marriage
Relationships
Engagements
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Marriage
Mistakes
Bachelor
Page 9 of 36
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