Subject: Marriage » Wives

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

It's like my ex-wife… 21 different personalities and seven of them hated me.

American football coach

My girlfriend say’s that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Take my wife… please!

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Retirement means twice as much husband on half as much money.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

(1942 – ) American boxing champion

You might be a redneck if… your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I never meant to marry my second wife; I only meant to rob her.

(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician

God help the man who won’t marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.

(1860 – 1943) British socialist, union leader & politician

When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

American couples have gone to such lengths to avoid the interference of in-laws that they have to pay marriage counselors to interfere between them.

(1936 – ) novelist, essayist & columnist

When in the course of human affairs – your spouse always finds out.

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