Subject: Marriage » Wives

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking…,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

American actor & comedian

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose; last night she used me to time an egg.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

I first met the wife in a tunnel of love… she was digging it.

(1931 – 1993) English comedian

When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Every American woman has two souls to call her own, the other being her husband's.

(1877 – 1947) British diarist & critic

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

(1948 – 1990) comedian

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My wife was too beautiful for words… but not for arguments.

(1882 – 1942) American actor

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Why do we have to go out Peg? … Isn’t it enough I know I’m married to you; do we have to tell the whole world?

(1946 – ) American actor

Never tell a secret to a bride or a groom; wait until they have been married longer.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

I could be such a wonderful wife to another wife's husband.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist













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