Subject: Marriage » Wives

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Have you heard about the woman who stabbed her husband thirty-seven times? … I admire her restraint.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

They have come up with a perfect understanding; he won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy; one is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

You might be a redneck if… your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is enjoy earning it.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Middle-age is the time of life, that a man first notices – in his wife.

(1906 – 1989) American poet & author

After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I could be such a wonderful wife to another wife's husband.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Wife Regrets Staying With Man She Killed

Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping… you get another wife.

writer, website creator

You can make a lot of money in this game; just ask my ex-wives; both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
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