Subject: Marriage » Wives

It is a truth universally acknowledge, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

(1775 – 1817) English novelist

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian

I told my wife the truth… I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Wife: A former sweetheart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Oh, we were doomed from the start. I’m an Earth sign. She’s a Water sign. Together, we made mud.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

I know not which lives more unnatural lives, obeying husbands, or commanding wives.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her.

Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anesthetic.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee; unfortunately, she was just coming home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.

(1864 – 1930) Scottish whisky distiller

It is better to have an ugly wife for one’s self than a beautiful wife for others.

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement; I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

This coat I’m wearing is a present from my wife; I came home early one night and there it was, hanging over a chair.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor

Hovering between wife and death.

(1771 – 1854) Scottish writer

I told my doctor I think my wife has V.D.; he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night… for other men.

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