Subject: Marriage » Wives

My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If you run into an old girlfriend – no matter how innocently – your wife will know about it before you get home.

This coat I’m wearing is a present from my wife; I came home early one night and there it was, hanging over a chair.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor

My first wife, I’ll never forget her… and I’ve tried.

(1922 – 1991) American comedian

Here's to our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet.

(1863 – 1915) American actor

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives; the first one left me and the second one didn’t.

(1956 – ) English actor

If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

(1942 – ) American boxing champion

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.

(1864 – 1930) Scottish whisky distiller

Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

My wife has to be the worst cook; her specialty is indigestion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

God help the man who won’t marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.

(1860 – 1943) British socialist, union leader & politician

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

(1821 – 1867) French poet, essayist & art critic

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine.

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

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