Subject: Marriage » Wives (Page 5)

Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.

One time I went to a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag; he felt up my wife!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

To my darling wife – roses are red, violets are blue, Valentines Day is consumerist rubbish, don’t you have some ironing to do?

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will.

(1874 – 1963) American poet

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

One night she told me to put out the garbage; I told her "you cooked it, you take it out."

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

If you run into an old girlfriend – no matter how innocently – your wife will know about it before you get home.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Retirement means twice as much husband on half as much money.

Bigamist: A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook.

Hovering between wife and death.

(1771 – 1854) Scottish writer

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

Generally speaking, my wife is generally speaking.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed… I leave.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job… my wife told me.

(1920 – 1991) American poet