Subject: Miscellaneous

Like a two-forty trot

Man was predestined to have free will.

If Pigs Had Wings

Leanin' on the shovel

Crazy as a dog in a hub cap factory.

I think it should be a law that if you ever get sucked up into a tornado, whatever you can grab with your hands while you’re swirling around up there, you get to keep.

(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist

Sittin’ in the catbird seat

You kin put your boots in the oven – but that don’t make ‘em biscuits.

The best way to behave is to misbehave.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Like a buzzard in a tree waiting for a mule to die

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist

Snake the kivvers

Well, knock me down and call me 'Shorty'!

Couldn't hit a barn if you were on the inside.

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, “Can’t you make it shoot farther?” “No, I’m sorry. That’s as far as it shoots.”

(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist

How do you write ‘zero’ in Roman Numerals?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you.

(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist

He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!

Madder than spit on a griddle

Unfortunately, all Coach Carter taught me was that I can actually scratch the first four verses of Revelations into the back of a theater chair with my fingernail in a little under two hours.

(movie reviews at

80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper

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