Subject: Money

I cannot afford to waste my time making money.

(1807 – 1873) paleontologist, glaciologist & geologist

The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.

(1870 – 1965) businessman & politician

I was once so broke I forgot whether you cut steak with a knife or drank it with a spoon.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Income: The sum of money which it costs more than to live.

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.

(1925 – 2008) American actor, director & entrepreneur

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Depression: A period in which you have no belt to tighten.

I can make more generals, but horses cost money.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Whenever you hear the word save, it is usually the beginning of an advertisement designed to make you spend money.

Philanthropist: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Our rabbi is so poor that if he didn’t fast every Monday and Thursday, he’d starve to death.

Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.

The happiest time in a man's life is when he is in the red hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

By the time we've made it, we've had it.

(1919 – 1990) publisher & author

A wedding invitation is sent by people who have been saying, “Do we have to ask them?” to people whose first response is, “How much do you think we have to spend on them?”

(1938 – ) journalist, columnist (Miss Manners)

Gold Digger: A girl who will date any man that can pass the asset test.

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