Subject: Money

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich.

(1763 – 1848) German-American, first multi-millionaire in the U.S.

People try to live within their income so they can afford to pay taxes to a government that can't live within its income.


Among the propensities of humans which almost exceed understanding come the parsimony of the rich and the extravagance of the poor.

I put on my favorite winter jacket for the first time the other day, and as soon as I put my hands in those pockets, I was immediately reminded that last year I didn't have any money, either.

(1970 – ) American comedian & television game show host

Politicians who vote huge expenditures to alleviate problems get re-elected; those who propose structural changes to prevent problems get early retirement.

1. The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it. 2. The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss is directly proportional to the number and importance of your guests.

You might be a redneck if… you think the stock market has fence around it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.

When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Blood's not thicker than money.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I want a man who’s kind and understanding; is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

(1917 – ) Hungarian-born American actress

(Starbucks) doesn't have a slogan yet, so I thought of one for them: “It's really expensive, but the line is long.”

comedian & author

When it comes to finances, remember that there are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

It's not hard to tell we was poor—when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.

(1928 – 2012) American comedian & actor

Anybody who plays the stock market not as an insider is like a man buying cows in the moonlight.

(1797 – 1879) American businessman & speculator

Time is money, especially when you are talking to a lawyer or buying a commercial.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor

I had to recently move back home, because my mom was having trouble paying both our rents.

Actress & comedian

When you're poor, your Halloween costume is a liquor store box.

(1961 – ) American actor & comedian

I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.

(1899 – 1966) producer, showman & lyricist

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