Subject: Money (Page 5)

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Emotions Happiness Money

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay, but here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Government Health Money

Telephone psychics are better at making fortunes than at reading them.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Money People

You’re supposed to spend two months worth of salary on an engagement ring, so when I get engaged, some lucky lady will receive a piece of Life Savers candy.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Marriage Money

You might be a redneck if… you think the stock market has fence around it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Money People Rednecks

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Money Poverty Self

If writers were good businessmen, they'd have too much sense to be writers.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Communication Money Reading/Writing

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Money Occupations Time Work

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Government Money

Money cannot buy health, but I'll settle for a diamond studded wheelchair.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Health Money

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Money

The wages of sin are unreported.

Money Murphy’s Laws Taxes

A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer
Entertainment Film Money

Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
Money Science/Weather

I came from a dirt farm, now I'm filthy rich.

American boxing champion
Boxing Money Sports

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking; it’s called marriage.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Marriage Money

Thrift: Common sense applied to spending.

Definitions Money

He died of cirrhosis of the liver… it costs money to die of cirrhosis of the liver.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Death Health Money

Americans are getting stronger; twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries… today, a five-year-old can do it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Money

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.

(1775 – 1817) English novelist
Emotions Happiness Money