Subject: People

Make sure to be in with your equals if you’re going to fall out with your superiors.

You might be a redneck if… one of your kids was born on a pool table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

(1892 – 1969) English publisher & bookseller

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

If men could get pregnant,abortion would be a sacrament.

(1916 – 2000) American lawyer & activist

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Go away kid, you bother me.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You might be a redneck if… you ever named a child after a dog.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage.

(1808 – 1889) French novelist & short story writer

Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.

(1901 – 2000) English author

You really wanna know what you look like to other people?… have a child draw you.

(1975 – ) American comedian & talk radio personality

Fanatic: One who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts.

A birth-control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

American actor & comedian

In creating the human brain, evolution has wildly overshot the mark.

(1905 – 1983) Hungarian-British author & journalist

Manager: Someone who doesn’t know how to do your job, who tells you how to do your job.

Trust me, ladies, if you knew even for a second how we men really look at you, you would never stop slapping us.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist

He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

(1898 – 1978) Israeli prime minister

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex; men are people that have sex because they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard – day-in and day-out – just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it’s all over, he showers and goes to his job.


There are two theories to arguing with women… neither one works.

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