Subject: People

Given the unlikely options of attending a funeral or a sex orgy, a true Irishman will always opt for the funeral.

(1928 – 2002) Irish playwright, novelist & essayist

Italians are fantastic people, really; they can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist

I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.

(1972 – ) American actress

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

A committee takes hours to put into minutes what can be done in seconds.

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist

If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor.

He’s not technically a lawyer, but he’s got three court cases next week.

Lisa Lampanelli (1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

The main trouble with women is that they will just not put the seat back up again.

(1961 – ) English actor & comedian

I refuse to go out with a man whose ass is smaller than mine.

(1960 – ) American actress

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

It [feminism] is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

(1930 – ) American Southern Baptist minister, executive & media mogul

America is a land where men govern, but women rule.

(1900 – 1969) American drama critic & author

I hate myself, but being Jewish has nothing to do with it.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

(1897 – 1975) American author & playwright

It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearance.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist

For boys, puberty is like turning into the Incredible Hulk… but very, very slowly.

(1966 – ) English comedian

Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.