Subject: People

People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead

A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him.

When I was born I owed twelve dollars.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist

Ronnie's hero is Calvin Coolidge and Nancy's is Calvin Klein.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I'm not really the type to wander off and sit down and go through deep wrestling with my soul.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.

Go away kid, you bother me.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The word “lady” most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

(1917 – ) Hungarian-born American actress

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Excuse my dust.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Never mind, dear, we're all made the same, though some more than others.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter

Needing someone is like needing a parachute; if they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won’t be needing them again.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.

(1908 – 1965) American broadcast journalist & newscaster

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I don’t understand this whole Elvis thing; there are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don’t dress up like them and three are blank.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host

Timid? … as timid as a buzz saw.

My cholesterol count has a comma.

(1964 – 2014) American actor, Broadway performer & stand-up comedian

Girls are like pianos… when they're not upright, they're grand.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor

Giving Northerners unbuttered instant grits is an old remedy for getting rid of tourists.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

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