Subject: People

Better to have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside pissing in.

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own Scotch, you bring your own rocks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Sewing Circle: Where friendship hangs by a thread.

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet babysitters.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

You might be a redneck if… your brother-in-law is your uncle AND your grandfather.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse… that would be chaos.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Irish people are Italians who can’t dress, Jamaicans who can’t dance.

(1960 – ) Irish singer-songwriter, musician, philanthropist & publicity seeker

You might be a redneck if… you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Hello!… we heard you at the door, but just thought you were part of the bad weather.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist

Advice to anglers: don't take advice from people with missing fingers.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)

Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest number must happen.

I don’t believe in class differences, but luckily my butler disagrees with me.

(1931 – 1988) British magazine editor, political cartoonist & graphic artist

No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
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