Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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It's wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn't used to like.
(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
It is not necessary to have enemies if you go out of your way to make friends hate you.
(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Love is staying up all night with a sick child… or a healthy adult.
(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.
(1741 – 1794) French writer
Your best friends are those who speak well of you behind your back.
(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
It was tough growing up in Florida because all my friends were retired.
(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. a best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
An old friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a dead body.
One sure way to lose another woman’s friendship is to try to improve her flower arrangements.
Sewing Circle: A group of women who needle each other.
Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed.
(1944 – 1992) American author
I'm not buddy-buddy with the players. If they need a buddy, let them buy a dog.
(1931 – ) American baseball player & manager
I have lost friends, some by death… others through sheer inability to cross the street.
(1882 – 1941) English novelist, essayist, publisher & feminist
Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street.
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.
Charles de Talleyrand-Périgord
(1754 – 1838) French prime minister & diplomat
We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.
Megan Anne Mooney
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian
Every time I paint a portrait I lose a friend.
John Singer Sargent
(1856 – 1925) American artist & portrait painter
When our friends get into power, they aren’t our friends any more.
Evans's Law of Political Perfidy
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
(1956 – ) American comedian
Optimist: The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend.
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
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