Subject: People » Girlfriends

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming “No, that’s not what I said!”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident… devastating; I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

My girl works at Hooters… in the kitchen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron… and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

I just got dumped recently, but I'm alright with it ‘cause we weren’t a good match… you know – I’m a Gemini… she was a whore.

American comedian & musician

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a "Cross Your Thighs" bra.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut; I don’t understand why she’s crying… I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

I’m getting pretty worried; my girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period… and she’s already 14.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish; she used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a bitch all the time.

American comedian

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person – so I can get a better girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My girlfriend say’s that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Personally, I don't like a girlfriend to have a husband… if she'll fool her husband, I figure she'll fool me.

(1866 – 1946) English author

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me, because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying… Caution Wide Load.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You know your girlfriend is too young when she’ll do everything in bed but go upside down because it’s too scary.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

My girlfriend always laughs during sex… no matter what she’s reading.

(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple

There were many reasons we broke up; there was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

American actor & comedian