Subject: People » Individuals

The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Abstainer: A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

No man goes before his time… unless the boss leaves early.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor

A man who calls bullshit fertilizer.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor

Now there's a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Pipe-smokers spend so much time cleaning, filling and fooling with their pipes, they don't have time to get into mischief.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

Life is strange; every so often a good man wins.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own Scotch, you bring your own rocks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
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