Subject: People » Individuals

Abstainer: A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Life is strange; every so often a good man wins.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor

A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

We often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Pipe-smokers spend so much time cleaning, filling and fooling with their pipes, they don't have time to get into mischief.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

A man who calls bullshit fertilizer.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist

Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

(1956 – ) American comedian

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own Scotch, you bring your own rocks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

You never know how much a man can't remember until he is called as a witness.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host













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