Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
People
(Page 117)
What do hookers do on their nights off – type?
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
People
Work
Prostitutes
Well, I screwed it up real good, didn't I?
Richard M. Nixon
(1913 – 1994) 37th U.S. president
Mistakes
People
Problems
Self
All modern men are descended from a wormlike creature… but it shows more on some people.
Will Cuppy
(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
History
People
Time
Descendants
Evolution
Hell is easy to define; it would be spending eternity with Evangelicals.
Don Koons
American judge & lawyer
Beliefs
Opinion
People
Religion
Evangelicals
Hell
Barbara and I celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary yesterday… we are very happy, but I would be happier if she got a job!
Don Rickles
(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults
Marriage
Self
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
People
Self
Success
Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Meade's Maxim
Murphy’s Laws
People
Self
Unique
A fan club is a group of people who tell an actor he is not alone in the way he feels about himself.
Jack Carson
(1910 – 1963) Canadian-born U.S.-based film actor
People
Actors
Conceit
Fan clubs
Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
People
Relationships
Descendants
Family tree
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities
Death
People
Drown
Synchronized swimmer
Latins for Republicans… it’s like roaches for >Raid.
John Leguizamo
(1964 – ) Colombian-American actor, producer, playwright & screenwriter
Government
People
Politics
Latins
Republicans
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Arms
People
Things
Shoot
Tourist season
For some not to be martyrs is martyrdom indeed.
Leo Rosten
(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
People
Situations
Martyrs
You always know when he's ready for sex, ’cause naked, he looked like one of them butterball turkeys with the little pop-up timer.
Lisa Lampanelli
Lisa Lampanelli (1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Body
Fat
People
Sex
Naked
A missionary is a person who teaches cannibals to say grace before they him.
Anonymous
People
Cannibals
Missionary
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance
Body
Women
Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind.
Kay Ingram
Men
Money
People
Women
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children
Family
People
Self
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
Samuel Butler
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Animals
People
Mankind
Women can have multiple orgasms? Right… I’ll believe it when I see it.
Garry Shandling
(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
People
Sex
Women
Orgasms
An optimist thinks this is the best of all worlds; a pessimist fears the same may be true.
Doug Larson
(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Characteristics
People
Optimists
Pessimists
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