Subject: People (Page 121)

Bores bore each other too; but it never seems to teach them anything.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

In my last year of school, I was voted Class Optimist and Class Pessimist. Looking back, I realize I was only half right.

(1937 – ) American actor

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

Professionals built the Titanic; amateurs built the ark.

Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

You might be a redneck if… you've ever heard the phrase "come and move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Sewing Circle: Where friendship hangs by a thread.

You might be a redneck if… anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y’all watch this!”

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology; until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.

(1964 – ) Canadian writer & novelist

A liar should have a good memory.

Most people my age are dead at the present time.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah didn't miss the boat.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

X Chromosome: a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

A redneck died and left his entire fortune to his beloved wife… she couldn’t touch it until she was fourteen.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality