Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
People
(Page 121)
Bores bore each other too; but it never seems to teach them anything.
Don Marquis
(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
People
Bores
In my last year of school, I was voted Class Optimist and Class Pessimist. Looking back, I realize I was only half right.
Jack Nicholson
(1937 – ) American actor
People
Self
Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children
Family
Men
People
Babies
Bottles
Diapers
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
James Thurber
(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Characteristics
People
Nonconformist
Professionals built the Titanic; amateurs built the ark.
Anonymous
People
Work
Amateurs
Ark
Professionals
Titanic
Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Anonymous
Men
People
Testicles
Tires
Trouble
Woman's Rule of Thumb
You might be a redneck if… you've ever heard the phrase "come and move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People
Rednecks
Bathtub
Transmission
Sewing Circle: Where friendship hangs by a thread.
Anonymous
Definitions
Friends
Wordplay
Sewing Circle
You might be a redneck if… anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y’all watch this!”
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family
People
Rednecks
Situations
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology; until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Beliefs
People
Religion
Science/Weather
Altar boys
Church
Technology
The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.
Will Ferguson
(1964 – ) Canadian writer & novelist
America
Canada
History
People
Places
French
Natives
A liar should have a good memory.
Quintilian's Law
Memory
Murphy’s Laws
People
Liars
Most people my age are dead at the present time.
Casey Stengel
(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Age
Death
Life
Misspokements
Old
People
Time
If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Self
Reincarnation
Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah didn't miss the boat.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
People
Noah
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
Bill Cosby
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children
Family
People
Childhood
Parenting
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language
People
Things
Deaf
Soap
Swear
X Chromosome: a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
Anonymous
Definitions
Men
People
Genetics
X Chromosome
Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Characteristics
People
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children
Family
Money
People
A redneck died and left his entire fortune to his beloved wife… she couldn’t touch it until she was fourteen.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Death
Marriage
People
Rednecks
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