Subject: People (Page 124)

You might be a redneck if… Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land; they said, ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes and when we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

(1931 – ) South African social rights activist & Anglican bishop

All women dress like their mothers, that is their tragedy; no man ever does, that is his.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

Eventually soul mates meet, for they have the same hiding place.

American writer

After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face; my advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.

(1901 – 2000) English author

Never try to pick up a woman who is wearing a Super Bowl ring.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come 'Lincolnesque' just means tall?”

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

My parents are Catholic, which means that they love Jesus and liquor and I don't think there's anything more Mexican than that.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian

Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

(1856 – 1939) Austrian neurologist, father of psychoanalysis

Optimist: Day-dreamer more elegantly spelled.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

You might be a redneck if… you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

I’m the guy that made Joe DiMaggio famous.

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist

Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician

Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician

We have in England a curious belief in first-rate people, meaning all the people we do not know; and this consoles us for the undeniable second-rateness of the people we do know.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

Most people deserve each other.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author