Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
People
(Page 124)
You might be a redneck if… Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People
Rednecks
Chewing tobacco
Christmas
When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land; they said, ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes and when we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu
(1931 – ) South African social rights activist & Anglican bishop
People
Places
Africa
Missionaries
All women dress like their mothers, that is their tragedy; no man ever does, that is his.
Alan Bennett
English author, actor, humorist & playwright
Appearance
Clothing
Men
People
Women
Eventually soul mates meet, for they have the same hiding place.
Robert Brault
American writer
People
Relationships
Soul mates
After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face; my advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.
Barbara Cartland
(1901 – 2000) English author
Age
Appearance
Women
Never try to pick up a woman who is wearing a Super Bowl ring.
Garry Shandling
(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Dating
People
Relationships
Situations
Super Bowl
If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come 'Lincolnesque' just means tall?”
Calvin Trillin
(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
People
Abraham Lincoln
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.
Robert Benchley
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals
Children
Dogs
People
Dachshunds
My parents are Catholic, which means that they love Jesus and liquor and I don't think there's anything more Mexican than that.
Megan Anne Mooney
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian
People
Religion
Catholicism
Jesus
Liquor
Mexican
Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
(1856 – 1939) Austrian neurologist, father of psychoanalysis
Women
Optimist: Day-dreamer more elegantly spelled.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
People
Daydream
Optimists
You might be a redneck if… you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Clothing
People
Rednecks
Funeral homes
Tube-tops
There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Self
TV/Movie Quotes
Emptiness
I’m the guy that made Joe DiMaggio famous.
‘Lefty’ Gomez
(1908 – 1989) American baseball player
Baseball
People
Self
Sports
Joe DiMaggio
A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.
Pierre Berton
(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist
People
Places
Sex
Things
Canadians
Canoes
Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Football
Girls
People
Sports
Boys
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
Douglas Adams
(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Characteristics
Eating
Food/Drink
People
Ancestors
Dinner
Pride
Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant.
Joseph Addison
(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Emotions
Happiness
People
Neighbors
We have in England a curious belief in first-rate people, meaning all the people we do not know; and this consoles us for the undeniable second-rateness of the people we do know.
George Bernard Shaw
(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Characteristics
England
People
Places
Liars
Most people deserve each other.
Shirley's Law
Murphy’s Laws
People
Relationships
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
Chelsea Handler
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author
People
Sex
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