Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
(1898 – 1978) Israeli prime minister
You might be a redneck if… your the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky… a woman already knows.
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die… he just didn't want to call you.
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
The public is always wrong.
Stock Market Axiom
When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
Edward ‘Ted’ Kennedy
(1932 – 2009) U.S. senator (Massachusetts)
I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.
Bruce (Caitlin) Jenner
(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete
Woman is the most powerful magnet in the universe, and all men are cheap metal… and they all know where 'North' is.
(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
I have an idea that the phrase ‘weaker sex’ was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Loftus's Theory on Personnel Recruitment
Intuition: The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right whether she is or not.
There’s lots of nice guys walking around Hollywood, but they ain’t eating
(1898 –1985) American film director & producer
A libertarian is just a Republican who takes drugs.
(1951 – ) American anarchist writer
Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
, an American humor magazine
The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement; of course He could have made it to last longer, but you can't have everything.
(1927 – ) playwright & screenwriter
Clique: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! – alcoholic and a racist!
(1972 – ) Scottish comedian
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
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