Subject: People (Page 3)

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

(1929 – ) American media critic

A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all – he's walking on them.

(1904 – 1974) American author & radio producer

I have the woman-flu, which is like the manflu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.

Danish comedian

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Henry Kissinger may be a great writer, but anyone finishes his book is definitely a great reader.

(1952 – ) American writer & biographer

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless; I said ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was: “Of course I know that I’m wrong.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

(1921 – 2004) English actor & author

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot… unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

No one ever went broke in Hollywood underestimating the intelligence of the public.

(1883 – 1963) American writer & hostess

There's only two white men that black people love: Bill Clinton and Bob Barker.

(1963 – ) American comedian

Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator: 6 feet tall, 300 pounds… it makes ice.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Canadians do not like heroes, and so they do not have them.

(1912 – 1995) Canadian historical writer, essayist & literary critic

Every time I sew a button back onto a shirt, there are then two solid minutes where I sincerely believe I would've survived the Oregon Trail.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

In any dealings with a collective body of people, the people will always be more tacky than originally expected.

You might be a redneck if… you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality