Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
(1878 – 1954) American actor of stage, screen & radio
You might be a redneck if… you have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
My first words were ‘Seconds, please.’
(1953 – ) American comedian & television host
Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from Earth?
(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician
Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her body.
(1664 – 1726) English architect & dramatist
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
(1907 – 1973) poet & critic
Bureaucrat: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
I was at a party a couple of weeks ago, talking to this guy about the Gaza Strip; he thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.
(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment; it's called
Man or Myth.
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?
(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
Two in every one people in this country are schizophrenic.
The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking.
(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
Fish and visitors smell in three days.
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
It is important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not.
(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.
(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
It's like I disprove evolution and intelligent design at once.
(1978 – ) American comic writer
When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.
(1920 – ) Hungarian writer
There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
(1947 – ) comedian & television host
A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.
(1911 – 1989) television actress
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
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