Subject: People (Page 5)

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

USA Today has come out with a new survey; apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

(1877 – 1947) British diarist & critic

The Bible declares that on the sixth day God created man; right then and there, God should have demanded a damage deposit.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author

You've no idea what it costs to keep the old man in poverty.

(1900 – 1979) British statesman & naval officer

The trouble with Bogart is he thinks he's Bogart.

(1906 – 1987) American movie director, producer & actor

You might be a redneck if… you believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer

Henry Kissinger may be a great writer, but anyone finishes his book is definitely a great reader.

(1952 – ) American writer & biographer

Nobody in their right mind would call me a nymphomaniac; I only sleep with good-looking men.

(1954 – ) British poet, novelist, travel writer & journalist

Women are as old as they feel and men are old when they lose their feelings.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

That’s why they’re man’s best friend… ‘cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are; so do women, but they’ve already got men

(1957 – ) American comedian

We have the power to do any damn fool thing we want to do, and we seem to do it about every ten minutes.

(1905 – 1995) U.S. senator (Arkansas)

Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

I couldn’t tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on its head.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business… my business.

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian

If anything goes bad, I did it… if anything goes semi-good, we did it… if anything goes really good, then you did it; that's all it takes to get people to win football games for you.

1913 – 1983) American college football coach

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah didn't miss the boat.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted on men, he would kill himself.

(1824 – 1895) French writer

When having my portrait painted I don’t want justice, I want mercy.

(1862 – 1952) Australian Prime Minister & politician

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist