Subject: People (Page 6)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

(1937 – ) English author

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Sorry, Peg, I didn’t hear you; I was thinking of killing myself.

(1946 – ) American actor

There are two types of people in this world: those who live in the cities… or ‘citizens’ as I call them… and those who live in the countryside… who shall remain nameless.

(1967 – ) English comedian

You might be a redneck if… you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Love your neighbor, but don’t tear down your fence.

I never go out unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star; if you want to see the girl next door, go next door.

(1905 – 1977) American actress

I watching a weird porn the other day; it was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time…. then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian

Those with the best advice offer no advice.

I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer

A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him.

I'll tell you why — because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay — that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer

The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.

(1890 – 1973) English writer & critic

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron… and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

One learns little more about a man from the feats of his literary memory than from the feats of his alimentary canal.

(1865 –1925) American encyclopedia editor & essayist

As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

Bachelor: A man who can get out of bed from either side.

Sure men were born to lie, and women, to believe them.

(1685 – 1732) English writer

I’m the guy that made Joe DiMaggio famous.

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player