Subject: People » Self

Somebody stole my identity… good luck using it without the medications.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

Everything that goes up must come down; but there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

We were poor… if I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had nothing to play with.

(1922 – 1991) American comedian

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Frasier: I’ve been taking stock of myself.

Carla: Not exactly AT&T, is it?

(1948 – ) American actress

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body… like a Peanuts character.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I love my name: Paris is my favorite city, and Paris without the ‘P’ is “heiress.”

(1981 – ) heiress, socialite, media personality & model

Why is it that nobody understands me and everybody likes me?

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

I was so ugly, my mother breast fed me through a straw.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Even at school they thought I had special powers; what was the phrase… ‘Constant super-vision.’

(1964 – ) English comedian

Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

When a letter simply addressed to "Duffy the Dope" was delivered to me, I knew it was time to retire.

(1915 – 1987) American football player and coach

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you’re one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian

I am a very committed wife, and I should be committed too – for being married so many times.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I’m not only Iranian, I’m also Jewish, and I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking, ‘Wow, he’s Iranian and Jewish; I don’t know if I should hate him or hate him.’

American standup-comedian

Excuse my dust.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

To last as long as I did with the skills I had, with the numbers I produced, was a triumph of the human spirit.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor

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