Subject: People » Self

You think of me as narcissistic when actually I'm just oblivious to other people.

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian

I didn’t get a lot of awards as a player… but they did have a Bob Uecker Day Off for me once in Philly.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor

I hate myself, but being Jewish has nothing to do with it.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher… nobody listened.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian

Barbara and I celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary yesterday… we are very happy, but I would be happier if she got a job!

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

When I got through with him, he was all covered wit' blood… my blood.

(1893 – 1980) American singer, pianist, comedian & actor

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I only have ‘yes’ men around me; who needs ‘no’ men?

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I have ever met.

(1837 – 1899) American evangelist & publisher

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You know that creepy-looking guy you stare at two seats behind you, thinking, who would come to a movie by himself? That's me.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive

It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.

American basketball coach & executive

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.

(1896 – 1969) American congressman & senator (Illinois)

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

It's not hard to tell we was poor—when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.

(1928 – 2012) American comedian & actor

When people ask me what sign I was born under, I say "I'm not certain, but it could have been the one that says 'Dining Car in opposite direction'."

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist