Subject: People » Self

When a letter simply addressed to "Duffy the Dope" was delivered to me, I knew it was time to retire.

(1915 – 1987) American football player and coach

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

(1935 – ) screenwriter, author, director & producer

Sometimes I think [my writing] sounds like I walked out of the room and left the typewriter running.

(1890 – 1960) journalist, author & dramatist

I was the best I ever had.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin’? The time I got hurt… on the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I had one guy at a gas station in New York say to me, “Hey, you look like that Hugh Grant… no offense.”

(1960 – ) English actor

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I am… an inflated swimsuit.

(1966 – ) English dance-pop singer, actress & former model

I’m the female equivalent of a counterfeit $20 bill; half of what you see is a pretty good reproduction, the rest is a fraud.

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer

In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year… it was my second season in the bigs.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.

(1896 – 1969) American congressman & senator (Illinois)

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid… well that and ‘fagot.'

American comedian

My movies were the kind they show in prisons and on airplanes, because no one can leave.

(1936 – ) American actor

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Sophia Loren plays peasants; I play ladies.

(1927 – ) Italian actress & photojournalist

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When I don't look like the tragic muse, I look like the smoky relic of the great Boston Fire.

(1832 – 1888) novelist

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.

(1888 – 1959) detective novelist & screenwriter

You really wanna know what you look like to other people?… have a child draw you.

(1975 – ) American comedian & talk radio personality

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My parents were very protective; I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited and… placing bets.

(1956 – ) American comedian
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