Subject: People » Self

Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached the age to write an autobiography.

(1903 – 1966) English writer

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m really no different than anybody else; except that sometimes I get my name in the paper.

Canadian professional hockey player

My trademarks are a hoarse, grating voice and the face of a retired pugilist: small narrowed eyes set in puffy features which look as though they might, years ago, have lost on points.

(1911 – 1986) American actor

I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.

(1966 – ) American actor, musician & comedian

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I have become rather like King Midas, except that everything turns not into gold but into a circus.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.

American writer

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin’? The time I got hurt… on the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.

I get up and a button falls off… I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off; I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If they cut my bald head open, they will find one big boxing glove. That's all I am.

American boxing champion

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Sooner or later, I'll be punctual.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

I don't have any tattoos or piercings yet, but I do have a cold sore I've been ignoring.

(1959 – ) American comedian, actress & singer

Sporting goods companies pay me not to endorse their products.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor

I suffer fools gladly because I am one of them.

(1921 – 2001) Welsh comedian & singer

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian

You really wanna know what you look like to other people?… have a child draw you.

(1975 – ) American comedian & talk radio personality

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

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