Subject: People » Self (Page 18)

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

American comedian

Bore: One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.

I miss being pampered.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

How many advantages can one person have?… I'm a white man!

Louis Szekely (1967 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & director

When having my portrait painted I don’t want justice, I want mercy.

(1862 – 1952) Australian Prime Minister & politician

You know that creepy-looking guy you stare at two seats behind you, thinking, who would come to a movie by himself? That's me.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive

Sometimes I’m so sweet even I can’t stand it.

(1935 – ) British actress, singer & author

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Considering the company I keep in this place, that is hardly surprising.

(1894 – 1978) Australian prime minister

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog; then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.

American comedian

I was the class podiatrist… I never made it to class clown.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I'm bald, blind and pale… I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

My movies were the kind they show in prisons and on airplanes, because no one can leave.

(1936 – 2018) American actor

I was Caesarean born; you can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I'm really not a Facebook or Twitter guy; I'm a prime-rib-and-baked-potato guy.

American baseball player & manager

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.

(1819 – 1900) English art critic, social thinker, poet & artist

My general appearance, and especially my face, have always been a source of depression to me.

(1878 – 1931) Irish artist