Subject: People » Self (Page 3)

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you – not one of you – enter!

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.


Be good and you will be lonely.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

It's not what you are but what you don't become that hurts.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself… and you are the easiest person to fool.

(1918 – 1988) American physicist

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I am being frank about myself in this book; I tell of my first mistake on page 850.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar

No, I’m breaking it in for a friend.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I’m not a lesbian… but I play one in the home movies my husband forces me to make.

(1996 – ) American comedian

Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

I hate to see a young man get ahead on the basis of a famous family name.

(1932 – 2009) U.S. senator (Massachusetts)

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

All right, brain, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

I would rather be an opportunist and float than go to the bottom with my principles round my neck.

(1867 – 1947) British politician

Four of us slept in the one bed; when it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was the class podiatrist… I never made it to class clown.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Accept who you are… unless you’re a serial killer.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host

We have become, Nina, the sort of people our parents warned us against.

(1785 – 1859) Boston boot maker & probation reformer

I’m a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor