Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
(1913 – 1973) American animator & cartoonist
The more underdeveloped the country, the more overdeveloped the women.
Galbraith's Second Law
When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighters shaking hands.
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
(1937 – ) American actor
As Melvin Udall in “As Good as It Gets”
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
comedian, writer, actor & producer
Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.
(1901 – 2000) English author
Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years; men reach theirs after about four minutes.
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
If women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy.
(1945 – ) Canadian comedian & actor
As Red Green in “The Red Green Show”
The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.
Alan Jay Lerner
(1918 – 1986) American lyricist
As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense.
(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
Ask any woman her age, and nine times out of ten she’ll guess wrong.
Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong; when a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong; and when a woman says that something isn't funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
cartoon character in
His [Ben Affleck's] ideal woman is a stripper with a Budweiser in each hand.
(1972 – ) American actress
Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.
writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Women were brought up to believe that men were the answer; they weren’t… they weren’t even one of the questions.
(1946 – ) English writer
They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth; but they can, if you hit them in the goolies with a cricket bat for 14 hours.
(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Many a necklace becomes a noose.
(1888 – 1982) American writer
I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
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