Subject: Places

There is no question that there is an unseen world; the problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

First of all, I don't see America having problems.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks; the rest of them take after the other side of the family.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Zoo: A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

In modern America, anyone who attempts to write satirically about the events of the day finds it difficult to concoct a situation so bizarre that it may not actually come to pass while the article is still on the presses.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist

I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland; people in Scotland drink while they're drinking.

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian

The most powerful force in the universe is compound interest.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.


I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Everyone is always someplace else.

You’re probably aware that Britain stopped evolving gastronomically around the year 1242.

(1977 – ) British political comedian & television host

Bay: A body of water surrounded by restaurants.

The time to enjoy a European tour is about three weeks after you unpack.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician

I’m in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants; I’d let just about everybody in except the English.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist

I've always tried to be a good American citizen, so I have made it a point not to learn any other language but English.

stand-up comedian
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