Subject: Places

Women have got to make the world safe for men since men have made it so darned unsafe for women.

(1879 – 1964) British politician

Englishwomen's shoes look as if they had been made by someone who had often heard shoes described, but had never seen any.

(1910 – 1997) American writer

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed country, don't breathe the air.

(1942 – ) British travel writer & novelist

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

(1932 – 2017) comedian, social activist, critic & writer

Welcome to Hell… here's your accordion.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side

You can travel fifty thousand miles in America without once tasting a piece of good bread.

(1891 – 1980) novelist & painter

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist

There is a theory that sooner or later anything in America that is any fun at all will be ruined by people from California.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist

No one ever went broke in Hollywood underestimating the intelligence of the public.

(1883 – 1963) American writer & hostess

I couldn't settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country.

Welsh football player

You always find something in the last place you look.

The typical West of Ireland family consists of father, mother, twelve children and resident Dutch anthropologist.

(1911 – 1966) Irish novelist, dramatist & columnist

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.

(the Science Guy) (1955 – ) American science educator, writer & scientist

In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

I come from Calcutta: in the UK you drive on the left of the road, in Calcutta we drive on what is left of the road.

Indian comedian

New York is the only place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do then some day, maybe – just maybe – you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

A New Zealander in a frenzy is an American in a coma.

(1970 – ) New Zealand stand-up comedian & radio & television personality