Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
(1925 – 2005) television host
New York City
The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
If you find an Australian indoors, it’s a fair bet that he will have a glass in his hand.
(1942 – ) British politician
America better beware of a candidate who is willing to stretch reality in order to win points.
George W. Bush
(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
(1934 – ) comedian
Beverly Hills is so exclusive… their fire department won’t make house calls.
(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Where I come from, the valleys are so narrow the dogs have to wag their tails up and down.
(1912 – 2002) professional golfer
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that's why the dogs are so fast.
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
What I gained by being in France was learning to be better satisfied with my own country.
(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
In Ireland the inevitable never happens and the unexpected constantly occurs.
John Pentland Mahaffy
(1839 – 1919) Irish writer
Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they’ll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.
(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
(1880 – 1964) Irish dramatist
I got wasted last night, and I hit an animal with my car… in the lobby of Caesar's Palace.
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
The Japanese have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness.
(1941 – ) novelist
Home: The place where you can scratch any place you itch.
Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
You couldn't be a racist and live in L.A.; you'd be exhausted.
(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
The rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian
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