Subject: Places

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into [a store] and punched someone in the face.

English musician, actor, writer & comedian

Canada? I don't even know what street it's on.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant – and let the air out of the tires.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

The thing I love about Vegas is that it’s a melting pot; it’s like working Ellis Island.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

As we work and sightsee on America’s largest island, we’ll get to view more majestic bears, so now is a good time to draw attention to the political equivalent of the species.

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.

(1958 – ) Church of England Bishop

Running for senator in New York is like bobbing for piranhas.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.

(1942 – ) Canadian politician

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

(1962 – ) American author & poet

The country where they invented bacon flavor mouthwash.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Hollywood is the only place where you can wake up in the morning and hear the birds coughing in the trees.

(1889 – 1958) American actor

Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy.

(1947 — ) American actor, writer, comedian & director

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

I like Mexico; it’s so… Mexican.

(1908 – 1990) American actress

Well, I learned a lot… I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views; you’d be surprised, they’re all individual countries.

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor

Given the unlikely options of attending a funeral or a sex orgy, a true Irishman will always opt for the funeral.

(1928 – 2002) Irish playwright, novelist & essayist

In Russia we only had two TV channels: Channel One was propaganda, Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: “Turn back at once to Channel One.”

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian

New Jersey is to America as America is to the world.

(1977 – ) American television producer, writer & comedian

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