Subject: Places

“New York, New York” – so good they named it twice.

(1947 – ) American singer-songwriter

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I want to succeed in America where, unlike Britain, they do not regard ambition as being the same as eating babies.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

You know I'm the only Iraqi comedian… yeah true… at least that makes us three more than Germany.

(1965 – ) British-Iranian comedian, actor & writer

There are three social classes in America: upper middle class, middle class, and lower middle class.

(1938 – ) journalist, columnist (Miss Manners)

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

I didn’t even know Elvis was from Memphis; I though he was from Tennessee.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

We’re not used to weather in June in this country.

professional football player, coach & executive

The House of Lords is like a glass of champagne that has stood for five days.

(1883 – 1967) British prime minister & politician

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

A New Zealander in a frenzy is an American in a coma.

(1970 – ) New Zealand stand-up comedian & radio & television personality

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty… mine's putting in an express lane.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it’s a sport.

(1932 – ) comedian, social activist, critic & writer

My parents were English; we were too poor to be British.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

All politics is local.

In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with children.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

That's still how Irish people are seen, as twinkly-eyed f**kers with a pig under their arm, high-stepping it around the world, going 'I'll paint your house now, but watch out, I might steal the ladder later, ohohoho!' – which is only half true!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

We were the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it.

I was well warned about English food, so it did not surprise me, but I do wonder sometimes, how they ever manage to prise [lever] it up long enough to get a plate under it.

(1910 – 1997) American writer

Ten men in the country could buy the world and ten million can’t buy enough to eat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

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