Subject: Places » America

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.

Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife.

(1910 – 1997) American writer

An Englishmen thinks seated; a Frenchmen standing; an American pacing, an Irishman, afterwards.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies.’

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

America: A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. Well, I didn't live in this century.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

America is like the really bad flatmate of the world: ‘Oh sorry, did I break all your shit? I didn't know it was yours… yeah, I'll replace it sometime… with my stuff.’

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

My God, we've had cloning in the South for years… it's called cousins.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

Kilt: A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign

We’re the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright

The town had the coldest temperature in all the contagious states.

You can travel fifty thousand miles in America without once tasting a piece of good bread.

(1891 – 1980) novelist & painter

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

(1931 – ) television newscaster

America: A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

California is a nice place to live – if you happen to be an orange.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

There are only two occasions when Americans respect privacy, especially in presidents; those are prayer and fishing.

(1929 – 1933) 31st U.S. president, humanitarian

It’s the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host













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