Subject: Places » America

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

My God, we've had cloning in the South for years… it's called cousins.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

Part-Time Woman Wanted: What a country… even transvestites can get work.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. Well, I didn't live in this century.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

Folks who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

1867 – 1931) English novelist

The greatest American superstition is belief in facts.

(1880 – 1946) Baltic German philosopher

We would need less gun control is we had better birth control.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

I want to succeed in America where, unlike Britain, they do not regard ambition as being the same as eating babies.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

The best reason I can think of for not running for President of the United States is that you have to shave twice a day.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician

America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

It was once said truly that the greatest American superstition was belief in facts.

(1901 – 1970) American journalist & author

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States; the only thing is – I could be just as proud for half the money.

(1903 – 1983) American radio and television broadcaster & entertainer

America: A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country, but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

I’m thrilled that the American people stopped him from running this time; as a citizen, I’m happy about that, but as a comic, I weep.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.

(1964 – ) Canadian writer & novelist

America is a land where men govern, but women rule.

(1900 – 1969) American drama critic & author

For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

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