Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Places
(Page 45)
When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
America
Places
What To Do When the Russians Come: A Survivor’s Guide
Jon Manchip White
,
Robert Conquest
Book Titles
Places
Russians
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places
Work
Pizza
Slices
Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
Ed Gardner
(1901 – 1963) American comic actor, writer & director
Hollywood
Places
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death
People
Places
British
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Aldous Huxley
(1894 – 1963) English writer
Places
World
Hell
I know the world isn’t fair, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?
Bill Watterson
(1955 – ) cartoonist
(Calvin and Hobbes)
Characteristics
Life
World
Fairness
Studies show 1 in 5 British teens are unable to peel an orange… it’s a good job they’ve all got knives then.
Jack Dee
(1961 – ) English standup comedian, actor & writer
England
People
Places
Chicago is not the most corrupt American city, it’s the most theatrically corrupt.
Louis “Studs” Terkel
Places
Chicago
Corruption
I knew I'd been living in Berkeley too long when I saw a sign that said 'Free firewood' and my first thought was 'Who was Firewood and what did he do?'
John Berger
(1926 – ) English painter
Places
Berkeley
The greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
Clarence Darrow
(1857 – 1938) American lawyer
Communication
Places
Criticism
On Calvin Coolidge
I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq; after all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!
Jay Leno
(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Conflict
Places
War
France
One reason that Finland produces such great runners is that back home it costs $2.40 for gas.
Esa Tikkanen
Finnish marathon runner
Places
Sports
Finland
Running
America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
America
Government
Places
Politics
The average Italian…. is a cowardly baritone who consumes 78.3 kilometers of carbohydrates a month and drives about in a car slightly smaller than he is, looking for a divorce.
Alan Coren
(1938 – 2007) British writer
People
Places
Italy
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men… there is a three year waiting list.
Yakov Smirnoff
(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Places
Homosexuals
Russia
Coming from Canada, being a writer and Jewish as well, I have impeccable paranoia credentials.
Mordecai Richler
(1931 – 2001) Canadian author, screenwriter & essayist
Canada
Characteristics
People
Places
Jewish
Paranoia
They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country.
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
America
People
Places
Minorities
Population
Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication
People
Places
Foreigners
Spelling
It's a scientific fact; for every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ.
Truman Capote
(1924 – 1984) American author
Hollywood
Intelligence
Places
IQ
In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'
Doug Benson
(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian
Places
Science/Weather
Seattle
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