Subject: Places (Page 45)

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show; if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

What To Do When the Russians Come: A Survivor’s Guide

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.

(1901 – 1963) American comic actor, writer & director

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

(1894 – 1963) English writer

I know the world isn’t fair, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

Studies show 1 in 5 British teens are unable to peel an orange… it’s a good job they’ve all got knives then.

(1961 – ) English standup comedian, actor & writer

Chicago is not the most corrupt American city, it’s the most theatrically corrupt.


I knew I'd been living in Berkeley too long when I saw a sign that said 'Free firewood' and my first thought was 'Who was Firewood and what did he do?'

(1926 – ) English painter

The greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer

I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq; after all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!


(1950 – ) comedian & television host

One reason that Finland produces such great runners is that back home it costs $2.40 for gas.

Finnish marathon runner

America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

The average Italian…. is a cowardly baritone who consumes 78.3 kilometers of carbohydrates a month and drives about in a car slightly smaller than he is, looking for a divorce.

(1938 – 2007) British writer

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men… there is a three year waiting list.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian

Coming from Canada, being a writer and Jewish as well, I have impeccable paranoia credentials.

(1931 – 2001) Canadian author, screenwriter & essayist

They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

It's a scientific fact; for every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ.

(1924 – 1984) American author

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian