Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Any umpire who claims he has never missed a play is… well, an umpire.
(1937 – 1995) American Major League Baseball umpire
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
(1888 – 1965) British (US-born) critic, dramatist & poet
1 + 1 hardly ever equals 2.
I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one.
James Gordon Bennett
(1841 – 1918) publisher of the New York Herald
Authorization for a project will be granted only when none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit if it succeeds.
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them.
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Never say “oops” while your patient is conscious.
Stettner's Law for Surgeons
If you mess with something long enough, it'll break.
Another Schmidt's Law
However much a shower control may rotate, the degree of rotation required to change from ice-cold to scalding is never more than one millimeter.
(1957 – ) New Zealand writer
If most auto accidents happen within five miles of home, why don’t we move ten miles away?
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
Allen's Law of Civilization
The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
(1769 – 1821) French general & politician
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate
When you’ve made gravy under gunfire, you can do anything.
(1916 – 2000) English music hall performer, comedian & actor
As Percy Sugen in “Coronation Street”
I broke a leg one time… spilled coffee all over.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
I’ve seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch.
(1961 – ) American comedian, actor & talk show host
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