Subject: Relationships

In the race for love, I was scratched.

The man’s desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Go, and never darken my towels again.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

comedian

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree, and you realize some branches need to be cut.

American comedian

I grew up… in a house filled with love… my cousin lived there and she put out.

(1950 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, writer, singer & producer

I'm dating again, which is very exciting… 'cause I'm married.

comedian

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I grew up with six brothers; that’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

He was really into family… he'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

(1981 – ) American Comedian

If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, forget her… she’s got malaria.

(1921 – 1974) Canadian comedian

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

You treat my daughter with respect – you buy her breakfast if she puts out.

American comedian & writer

You might be a redneck if… your grandfather died and left everything to his widow; but she can’t touch it until she's fourteen.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was ‘Always.’

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Dates are basically where I go out and I act like someone I'm not until the person likes me enough to be who I actually am.

writer & comedian

Incest: in many parts of the Bible Belt, the most popular form of dating.

American author
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