Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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We had to break up, though… we wanted different things… like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
(1981 – ) American Comedian
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around, and I told him, I’m drinking so that
more fun to be around.
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
In another city
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky… a woman already knows.
Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couple and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Engagement: The time a girl takes until she finds out if she can do any better.
The way things are these days, a girl's gotta play hard to take.
Jane Sherwood Ace
(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Have you ever been dating anyone, and you think they're normal, and all of the sudden, they start freaking out on you?… yelling, 'Untie me!'
Stevie Ray Fromstein
television writer, actor
You might be a redneck if… your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
I belong to no organized party… I am a Democrat.
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
I did think about adopting… an 18-year-old girl from Thailand, whose hobbies include vacuuming and some light dusting.
(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me; I know guys I wouldn’t go out with.
(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
I went home with this French guy ‘cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.'’
(1981 – ) American Comedian
A lot of people would rather tour sewers than visit their cousins.
(1935 – 1996) American writer
My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.
(1956 – ) American comedian
A Frenchwoman, when double-crossed, will kill her rival; the Italian woman would rather kill her deceitful lover; the Englishwoman simply breaks off relations – but they all will console themselves with another man.
(1899 – 1978) French actor
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