Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
In the race for love, I was scratched.
I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.
(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
My sister was with two men in one night… she could hardly walk after that; can you imagine – two dinners!
(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
You might be a redneck if… your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Halley Reed: He wants to produce something of mine.
Clifford Stern: Yeah, your first child.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
As Cliff Stern in “Crimes and Misdemeanors”
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
I am the common denominator to all my bad relationships.
(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
I’ve been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, ‘Who are you with?’, I automatically say: ‘Vodafone.’
(1972 – ) English actress & comedian
The major concrete achievement of the women's movement in the 1970s was the Dutch treat.
(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude's house?
Roy Wood Jr.
(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
I didn’t know whether to break up with my girlfriend or take a break, so I planted weed in her purse and called the cops. Now I have 30 days to figure things out.
My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls; so, for her birthday, I put one of those ‘How’s my driving?’ bumper stickers on her car.
You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.
Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her. It’s her wedding day.Joey: What? Like there’s some rule or something?
(1967 – ) American actor & producer
As Joey in “Friends”
True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.
Dave Tyson Gentry
[Kerry is trying to figure out how to break up with Kyle] Bridget: Just use the line I use when I break up with a guy.Kerry: “I’m only seventeen, you’ll go to jail”?
(1979 – ) American actress
As Kerry Hennessy in 8 Simple Rules
I'm trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.
A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
, an American humor magazine
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