Subject: Relationships

As my mother used to say, ‘You’ll get unconditional love from me when you’ve earned it.

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it; I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.

(1908 – 1993) U.S. Supreme Court justice

About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them.

American comedian & motivational speaker

There’s always one teacher you had a crush on; for me, it’s my wife’s aerobics instructor.

comedian

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

There were many reasons we broke up; there was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

American actor & comedian

It’s kinda like grandkids: you just abuse them and turn them back in.

American stand-up comedian

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker

If you talk about yourself, he’ll think you’re boring; if you talk about others, he’ll think you’re a gossip; if you talk about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant conversationalist.

You might be a redneck if… the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork.

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist

How To Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

My parents only had one argument in forty-five years; it lasted forty-three years.

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think… I don’t know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself… you know these kind of girls: ‘I'm hot. I’m on fire… Me, me, me.’

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

Billy Almon has all of his inlaws and outlaws here this afternoon.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I was dating an infectious disease doctor, 'cause… two birds.

(1981 – ) American Comedian

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host