Subject: Relationships

Are we simply romantically challenged… or are we sluts.

(1965 – ) American actress, model, singer & producer

Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

(1967 – ) American actor & producer

I’m at a point where I want a man in my life, but not in my house. Just come in, attach the VCR, and get out.

(1942 – ) American comedian, writer, actress & television host

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist

I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker

Peerless Pauline: I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.

J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

(1917 – 1994) American writer

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.

(1935 – 2002) English actor, comedian, composer & musician

Go, and never darken my towels again.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Billy Almon has all of his inlaws and outlaws here this afternoon.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer

I like my coffee like I like my men… I don’t drink coffee.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host

I'm trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.

American comedian

There is no such thing as an unattached woman.

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on the weekends.

American stand-up comedian

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.

(1837 – 1920) American author

She was hostile: you don’t have an orgasm and say to your lover, ‘Take that!'

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If you talk about yourself, he’ll think you’re boring; if you talk about others, he’ll think you’re a gossip; if you talk about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant conversationalist.

It is not necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

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