Subject: Relationships

Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

(1917 – 1994) American writer

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened… the bathroom door, for example.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

I’d like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author

Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.

cartoon character in, Peanuts, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Love matches are formed by people who pay for a month of honey with a life of vinegar.

(Countess of Blessington) (1789 – 1849) Irish novelist

I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian

You and I have a love so secret that not even youknow about it; but first let me introduce myself.

(1982 – ) American author

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

The way things are these days, a girl's gotta play hard to take.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

We had to break up, though… we wanted different things… like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

(1981 – ) American Comedian

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky; the woman already knows.

American comedian & writer

You might be a redneck if… you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Poverty keeps together more homes than it breaks up.

(1870 – 1916) British writer

She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint (the universal act of women to proclaim ownership).

William Sydney Porter (1862 – 1910) American writer

What are answering machines for if not to break up with someone who bores you?

American playwright, television writer & author













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