Subject: Relationships

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap; he was in the electric chair.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese… and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

comedian

My husband and I have a monotonous relationship.

I grew up with six brothers; that’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… your brother-in-law is your uncle AND your grandfather.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Familiarity breeds attempt.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

I don't have a boyfriend right now; I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support.

(1967 – 2007) American model

Personally, I think that if a woman hasn’t met the right man by the time she’s twenty-four, she may be lucky.

(1921 – 2007) Scottish-born actress

He was engaged to a contortionist, but she broke it off.

My sister just got married; I was the maid of debt in that little event.

(1965 – ) American comedian

At least fifty percent of the human race doesn’t want their mother-in-law within walking distance.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

We had to break up, though… we wanted different things… like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

(1981 – ) American Comedian

When I die, I want it to be on my 100the birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.

(1961 – ) American actress

Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.

[When his girlfriend is leaving him] You can’t go! All the plants are gonna die!

(1950 – ) American actor & comedian

Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and he turns out to be a sight.

Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye

American playwright, television writer & author