Subject: Relationships

If you treat a girl like a dog, she’s going to piss on you.

(1964 – ) American singer-songwriter & musician

Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.

Field’s reply: Yes, it is, very hard… it’s almost impossible.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Why don't you come up and see me sometime, when I got nothing on but the radio?

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both seems like carelessness.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

You might be a redneck if… your on your first date you had to ask your dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I date this girl for two years – and then the nagging starts: ‘I wanna know your name…’

(1958 – ) screenwriter, film director & actor

I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian

It is better to have a relationship with someone who cheats on you than with someone who does not flush the toilet.

I had to go back to New York recently for a family reunion… I walk in there, I look at everyone, and I think: 'I'm getting my tubes tied; that's it; the tree ends here.'

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor

My girlfriend say’s that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Peerless Pauline: I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.

J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My sister was with two men in one night… she could hardly walk after that; can you imagine – two dinners!

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress

I once dated a famous Aussie rugby player who treated me just like a football; made a pass, played footsie, then dropped me as soon as he’d scored.

(1958 – ) Australian author

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice; one day, he took me aside and left me there.

American comedian

Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couple and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her. It’s her wedding day.

Joey: What? Like there’s some rule or something?

(1967 – ) American actor & producer

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend… the reason we broke up is because I caught her lying – under another man.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

You and I have a love so secret that not even youknow about it; but first let me introduce myself.

(1982 – ) American author

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