Subject: Relationships

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

A friend who is near and dear may in time become as useless as a relative.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

American playwright, television writer & author

My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice; one day, he took me aside and left me there.

American comedian

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian

The search for someone to blame is always successful.


How To Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid; girls got pinned, not nailed.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

My grandmother buried three husbands… and two of them were only napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend… the reason we broke up is because I caught her lying – under another man.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one!

Nobody in their right mind would call me a nymphomaniac; I only sleep with good-looking men.

(1954 – ) British poet, novelist, travel writer & journalist

If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humor was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex.

(1973 – ) English actress

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap; he was in the electric chair.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Peerless Pauline: I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.

J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The Hunger Site