Subject: Relationships

Courtship: A man pursuing a woman until she catches him.

My grandfather avoided the Holocaust with his ability to hide, and by not being Jewish, and by living in Canada his entire life.

Canadian comedian & actor

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me; I know guys I wouldn’t go out with.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

Familiarity breeds attempt.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on the weekends.

American stand-up comedian

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend… the reason we broke up is because I caught her lying – under another man.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

[Kerry is trying to figure out how to break up with Kyle] Bridget: Just use the line I use when I break up with a guy.

Kerry: “I’m only seventeen, you’ll go to jail”?

(1979 – ) American actress

It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.

(1957 – ) English novelist, essayist & screenwriter

Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couple and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I remember when Grandpa’s memories started to go; it was the day I caught him urinating with the door open… which is not a huge deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Canadian comedian & actor

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky; the woman already knows.

American comedian & writer

[My mother] had something like ‘time out;' it was called ‘knock out.'

American comedian

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

You might be a redneck if… your on your first date you had to ask your dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Burt Reynolds once asked me out… I was in his room.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You still chase women, but only downhill.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I don't have a boyfriend right now; I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support.

(1967 – 2007) American model

Of course a platonic relationship is possible, but only between husband and wife.

They say that breaking up is hard to do – but it's much easier with a restraining order and a Rottweiler.

American actress

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