Subject: Relationships » Dating

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around, and I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid; girls got pinned, not nailed.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

You might be a redneck if… your on your first date you had to ask your dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist – she did everybody.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

Are we simply romantically challenged… or are we sluts.

(1965 – ) American actress, model, singer & producer

Have you ever been dating anyone, and you think they're normal, and all of the sudden, they start freaking out on you?… yelling, 'Untie me!'

television writer, actor

The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one!

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

I took a girl out on a date the other night and I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere sexually, you know, because I was out of chloroform and rags.

(1961 – ) American actor & comedian

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: 1. a date, 2.his wife, 3. a better looking and richer male friend.

Many a necklace becomes a noose.

(1888 – 1982) American writer

I once dated a famous Aussie rugby player who treated me just like a football; made a pass, played footsie, then dropped me as soon as he’d scored.

(1958 – ) Australian author

Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines, like: “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

(1977 – ) American comedian

Strategy is buying a bottle of fine wine when you take a lady out for dinner; tactics is getting her to drink it.

(1920 – 1998) English comedy writer, radio & television personality

If you talk about yourself, he’ll think you’re boring; if you talk about others, he’ll think you’re a gossip; if you talk about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant conversationalist.

Incest: in many parts of the Bible Belt, the most popular form of dating.

American author

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent; she can't wait to disprove it.

(1904 – 1986) English-American actor

I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection… she pulled a switchblade on me.

writer, website creator

Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.


He was really into family… he'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
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