Subject: Relationships » Dating

I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian

I’d like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number… she looked great going down the stairs.

(1964 – ) English comedian

The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one!

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines, like: “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

(1977 – ) American comedian

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent; she can't wait to disprove it.

(1904 – 1986) English-American actor

About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them.

American comedian & motivational speaker

I refuse to go out with a man whose ass is smaller than mine.

(1960 – ) American actress

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

We had to break up, though… we wanted different things… like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

(1981 – ) American Comedian

Many a necklace becomes a noose.

(1888 – 1982) American writer

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Why don't you come up and have a little… scotch and sofa.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.