Subject: Relationships » Dating

A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick; a youth with his first girl makes other people sick.

(1880 – ?) American author

I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to make copies of their tapes.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

Are we simply romantically challenged… or are we sluts.

(1965 – ) American actress, model, singer & producer

My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman; still, I've got another three goes.

Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and he turns out to be a sight.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number; it started with 555.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

Courtship: A man pursuing a woman until she catches him.

I took a girl out on a date the other night and I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere sexually, you know, because I was out of chloroform and rags.

(1961 – ) American actor & comedian

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

I used to go missing a lot – Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss Germany…

(1946 – 2005) Irish professional football player

I just hope she doesn't start before I go in the Hall of Fame. That way, I won't have to kill anybody before I get inducted.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

We had to break up, though… we wanted different things… like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

(1981 – ) American Comedian

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky; the woman already knows.

American comedian & writer

Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker

Why don't you come up and see me sometime, when I got nothing on but the radio?

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

I'm dating again, which is very exciting… 'cause I'm married.


When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I've dated men my age, younger than me and older and the only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage.

(1970 – ) American film & television actress

The major concrete achievement of the women's movement in the 1970s was the Dutch treat.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent; she can't wait to disprove it.

(1904 – 1986) English-American actor

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