Subject: Relationships » Dating

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around, and I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author

I used to be afraid of relationships; someone would ask me out and I'd say, 'Just take my purse, don't hurt me!'

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

Why don't you come up and see me sometime, when I got nothing on but the radio?

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Dates are basically where I go out and I act like someone I'm not until the person likes me enough to be who I actually am.

writer & comedian

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.

(1935 – 2002) English actor, comedian, composer & musician

Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines, like: “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

(1977 – ) American comedian

About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them.

American comedian & motivational speaker

Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Many a necklace becomes a noose.

(1888 – 1982) American writer

I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to make copies of their tapes.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me; I know guys I wouldn’t go out with.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist – she did everybody.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,” so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

(1979 – ) American actor, comedian & musician

Are we simply romantically challenged… or are we sluts.

(1965 – ) American actress, model, singer & producer
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