Subject: Relationships (Page 17)

No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.

Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I never met a kid I liked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Go, and never darken my towels again.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My grandmother buried three husbands… and two of them were only napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent; she can't wait to disprove it.

(1904 – 1986) English-American actor

My uncle's actually from Brooklyn, New York; … instead of saying, 'What time is it?,' he'll say, 'Get outta here – I'm drunk.'

stand-up comedian, writer & actor

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.

(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I don’t get what is so cool about dating DJ’s; that’s like dating a valet because he drives a nice car.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian

Nobody in their right mind would call me a nymphomaniac; I only sleep with good-looking men.

(1954 – ) British poet, novelist, travel writer & journalist

Their relationship was purely plutonic.

Dating: An elaborate prelude to mating that fulfills much the same function as the sniffing ritual in dogs, but without its forthright honesty.

Do you know how hard it is to find a decent man in this town? Most of them think monogamy is some kind of wood.

(1962 – ) American actress

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer