Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Relationships
(Page 17)
No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.
Clark's First Law of Relativity
Family
Money
Murphy’s Laws
Relationships
In-laws
Invitations
Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Family
Relationships
Nepotism
An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Friends
People
Relationships
Enemy
Reputation
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family
Relationships
Things
Diapers
Gifts
Grandmothers
I never met a kid I liked.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children
Family
Relationships
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships
Leave
Towels
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Food/Drink
Mothers
Relationships
Breast feeding
My grandmother buried three husbands… and two of them were only napping.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Death
Husbands
Marriage
Relationships
Grandmothers
Napping
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent; she can't wait to disprove it.
Cary Grant
(1904 – 1986) English-American actor
Dating
Sex
Impotence
My uncle's actually from Brooklyn, New York; … instead of saying, 'What time is it?,' he'll say, 'Get outta here – I'm drunk.'
Jordan Rubin
stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Places
Relationships
Brooklyn
Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family
Relationships
Situations
Peace
I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.
Adrienne Gusoff
writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Relationships
Blindness
Strangers
The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
Margo Kaufman
(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator
Men
Relationships
Control
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dogs
Relationships
Family tree
Geneology
I don’t get what is so cool about dating DJ’s; that’s like dating a valet because he drives a nice car.
Whitney Cummings
(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Dating
Relationships
DJ’s
Nobody in their right mind would call me a nymphomaniac; I only sleep with good-looking men.
Fiona Pitt-Kethley
(1954 – ) British poet, novelist, travel writer & journalist
People
Relationships
Sex
Nymphomaniacs
Their relationship was purely
plutonic.
Anonymous
Malaprops
Relationships
Platonic
Dating: An elaborate prelude to mating that fulfills much the same function as the sniffing ritual in dogs, but without its forthright honesty.
Anonymous
Dating
Definitions
Relationships
Do you know how hard it is to find a decent man in this town? Most of them think monogamy is some kind of wood.
Amy Yasbeck
(1962 – ) American actress
Relationships
TV/Movie Quotes
As Peggy Brandt in “The Mask
Monogamy
I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
Jay London
(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Communication
Dating
Language
Speech
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics
People
Relationships
Embarrassment
Engagements
Fiancee
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