Subject: Sex

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.

It is better to copulate than never.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

You’ll have to ask somebody older than me.

(1883 – 1983) American composer, lyricist & pianist

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people… between five, it's fantastic.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

There was no sex education in the ‘70s; we thought the Kama Sutra was Indian takeaway.

(1958 – ) Australian author

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

(1946 – ) filmmaker, actor & writer

I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection… she pulled a switchblade on me.

writer, website creator

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Edible underwear?… even during sex, we can't stop eating.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

I once made love to a female clown… she twisted my penis into a poodle.

Dan Whitney (1963 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice artist

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.

(1895 – 1972) American director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers; perverted sex involves the whole duck.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humor was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex.

(1973 – ) English actress

Pulled my groin the other day – for about 20 minutes.

(1963 – ) American comedian

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Went to the doctor's last week, he said, 'Have you had sex in the last seven days?' … and I said, 'No, my birthday's in April.'


I'm a lousy piece of ass… and I should know… every man I have been with has told me so.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

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