Subject: Sex

The transatlantic crossing was so rough the only thing that I could keep on my stomach was the first mate.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom; I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

(1956 – ) American model & actress

Presidents don’t do it to their wives; they do it to their country.

(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.

(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright

Oral contraceptive: The word "no."

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

My wife put a mirror over our bed; she says she likes to watch herself laugh.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.

(1929 – 1994) U.S. first lady, wife of John Fitzgerald Kennedy & book editor

I finally got her to watch a porno with me, and I did not get the reaction I was after; alright, I shouldn’t have started her off with one that I was in – that was a mistake.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

My husband asked me to talk dirty to him during sex; I told him to go f**k himself.

Abstinence is a good thing, but it should be practiced in moderation.

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

There is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Ten men waiting for me at the door?… send one of them home, I'm tired.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

I wouldn’t kidnap a man for sex, but I’m not saying I couldn’t use someone to oil the mower.

(1953 – ) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter

In public school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

In a way, comedy is like sex… the more noise you hear, the better you think you’re doing.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Too much of a good thing can be taxing.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian
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