Subject: Sex

Diseases Caused by Masturbation

I practice safe sex… I use an airbag.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn’t know any women.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist

Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.


Virginity is a balloon in the carnival of life, that vanishes with the first prick.

A man will fantasize that he’s having sex with someone else; a woman will fantasize she’s having sex with anyone else.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director

I said to a girl I’d been seeing, “Come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at.” She said, “You’d better, because the last time I couldn’t find it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Nobody in their right mind would call me a nymphomaniac; I only sleep with good-looking men.

(1954 – ) British poet, novelist, travel writer & journalist

My husband's penis is like a semicolon… I can't remember what it's for and I never use it anyway.

British comedian

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.


The only time you've had enough is when you've just finished.

I liked Amsterdam… I spent $2,000 window shopping.

(1957 – ) American comedian

I wouldn’t kidnap a man for sex, but I’m not saying I couldn’t use someone to oil the mower.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist – she did everybody.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

Candy, is dandy, but liquor, is quicker.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Sex is like art; most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.

writer, website creator

How many husbands have I had?… do you mean apart from my own?

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress