Subject: Sex

What was I thinking when I said “I do”? I’d already had sex with her; I didn’t need that again.

(1946 – ) American actor

In public school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director

Edible underwear?… even during sex, we can't stop eating.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

Group sex… are you kidding, I had group sex… my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one!

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators… I left early.

(1894 – 1974) comedian, radio & television host

Nymphomania: A disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden.

I have this! Are you interested?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Sex is like money; only too much is enough.

(1932 – 2009) author, poet & critic

Men are people that have sex because they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ … that wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

comedian & writer

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Well I don’t see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many men happy.


During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me; just the other night she called me from a hotel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I don't know why people video tape sex because after I have sex, the only thing I can think of is that I'm glad nobody saw that.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock; if I'm late, start without me.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress

I'll get some aspirin and we caI’ll get some aspirin and we can sit here and solve the case of the wife who’s not getting any. n sit here and solve the case of the wife who's not getting any.

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter

Orgasm: The punchline some women just don’t get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter