Subject: Sex

I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? … If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

Baptists never make love standing up; they're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing!

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Make Your Own Sex Toys (A Practical Guide to a Better Love Life)

I saw a pair of knickers today on the front it said, “I would do anything for love” and on the back it said “but I won't do that.”

(1975 – ) English comedian

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter

Easy: Used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

You have nooo idea… the difference in sex drive between a man and woman is like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading; nobody does it so why talk about it?

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host

I'm a lousy piece of ass… and I should know… every man I have been with has told me so.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

I’m at the age where food has taken over the role of sex in my life. In fact last night, I put a mirror over my kitchen table.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When he tells you he wants to exchange ideas, what he really wants is to exchange fluids.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.

(1975 – ) English comedian, actor & writer

Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.

(1927 – 2007) American newspaper columnist

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.

(1933 – 2007) Am. evangelical pastor, televangelist, & political commentator

Familiarity breeds contempt… and children.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was [having sex] with this girl… and it was pretty wild; I explained to her that I’d not had it in 2 years because I’d been in the VD clinic.. she replied ‘How’s the food? … I’m going in tomorrow!’

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian

I don’t care for sex; I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise; I prefer sports, where you can win.

(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian
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