Subject: Sex

Edible underwear?… even during sex, we can't stop eating.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me; just the other night she called me from a hotel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.

Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I liked Amsterdam… I spent $2,000 window shopping.

(1957 – ) American comedian

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

Everything that goes up must come down; but there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The only difference between group sex and group therapy is that in group therapy you hear about everyone's problems and in group sex you see them.

(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality

Abstinence is a perversion.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Hooker: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

I was making love to this girl and she started crying; I said “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said “No, I hate myself now.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing – between five it's fantastic.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I ain't a man of carnival instinctuals like you.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.

(1958 – ) Australian author

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