Subject: Sex

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid; girls got pinned, not nailed.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

The Catholics have an interesting view of sex; it is disgusting, amoral and filthy and you should save it for one you love.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian & filmmaker

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

writer, website creator

I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.

English police officer, writer, stand-up comedian & radio performer

I liked Amsterdam… I spent $2,000 window shopping.

(1957 – ) American comedian

When a guy writes a scene where a woman does a deviant sex act on camera, it’s objectifying; but when a woman writes it, it’s feminism.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian

Adolescence: The age between puberty and adultery.

I have this! Are you interested?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.

(1920 – 2000) physician, gerontologist, pacifist, anarchist & writer

A woman can have sex with whoever she wants, a man only with whoever allows him.

Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I feel like a million tonight… but one at a time.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

My biggest fantasy in life is to have sex with two women… not in a night, but in my life.


Abstinence makes the heart go wander.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

I got a German porno movie… which has subtitles, which is great 'cause, otherwise, I would have had no idea what was going on.

stand-up comedian, writer & actor

She’s cleared her schedule from 7:00 ‘til 7:30 – that means foreplay and cuddling.

(1959 – ) American actor

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