Subject: Sex

A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are.

(1928 – ) executive with Playboy Enterprises

I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose; last night she used me to time an egg.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified performance.

(1907 – 1982) American journalist, editor & author

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

(1889 – 1963) French poet, novelist, playwright, artist & filmmaker

Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex… sure – a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor

To please a woman in bed, all a man has to do is a poetry course; they also have to learn that the Kama Sutra is not an Indian takeaway and that the mutual orgasm is not an insurance company.

(1958 – ) Australian author

And just remember, the best thing about kids… is making them!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school; it's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system.

(12/06/1953 – ) American actor, comedian, director & game show host

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

It’s the difference between using a feather and using a chicken.

(1948 – ) English novelist

I used to go out with a homeless girl… it was great 'cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere.

(1957 – ) American comedian

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned… do not have sex with the authorities.

(1954 – ) cartoonist, screenwriter, producer & creator of The Simpsons

Familiarity breeds contempt; but familiarity breeds!

Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex; neither! … I'm not falling for that one again, Wife!

(1980 – ) English comedian & novelist

Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell; the other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.

(1945 – ) American country/folk musician & song writer

Sex alleviates tension; love causes it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You've never seen a cat have sex… nobody has; the Discovery Channel hasn't caught that.

American comedian & television host