Subject: Situations

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

(1863 – 1945) British politician & statesman

If you're in a hole, stop digging.

I don't know if this is a matter for the costume department or the hairdresser.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder.

(1943 – ) American television journalist & author

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Trade-offs have been with us ever since the late unpleasantness in the Garden of Eden.

(1930 – ) economist, social commentator & author

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

It took us hundreds of years to get one Year of the Woman, then we get a year – one of us cuts her husband's penis off.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If winners never quit, and quitters never win, what idiot came up with quit while you're ahead?

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

There is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

I’d sooner be in hell with my back broke.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
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