Subject: Situations

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian

I can tolerate without discomfort being waited on hand and foot.

(1908 – 1986) English cartoonist, author, art critic & stage designer

He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong – but that's the way to bet.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears; what the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark… for hours… and don't move… I'm locking the door now.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Computing power increases as the square of the cost; if you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times slower.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool; I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress

You can always tell you're in trouble when the good option involves a prosthetic leg.

blogger (Standing Room Only)

Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

Up the creek in a boat with a hole.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I have the same New Year’s resolution every year; I decide to drink heavily… because I know I can do it, which will build my self-esteem.

American actress, comedian, writer & musician

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, "On your mark…"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Maybe it would have been better if neither of us had been born.

(1769 – 1821) French general & politician
Help veterans in need with one click. The Veterans Site