Subject: Situations

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

I bought a portable cable TV.


The saying “Getting there is half the fun” became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

(1952 – ) comedian

Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank Him for not having given it wings.

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

(1890 – 1965) English comic actor, writer & director (of Laurel & Hardy)

Don't squat with your spurs on.

I don't know if you've ever lived with a pregnant woman before, but the whole time she's pregnant, she's walking around the house like, 'Oh my God, I gained 45 extra pounds, I sweat when I eat, and I vomit every morning,' and I'm like, 'No kidding…

stand-up comedian

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won’t accidentally walk through another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The more he looked inside the more Piglet wasn’t there.

fictional character from the book series by A. A. Milne

Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it's what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

The first time I ever got undressed in front of a woman, it was horrible; she started screaming… and then they kicked me off the bus.

comedian & actor

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist

When you're in deep water it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Usta could…

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning… problem solved.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

He's the first guy to drive a $300,000 car with license plates he made himself.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

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