Subject: Situations

Take: To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

He never seemed to be doing anything, and yet he did not like to be disturbed at it.

(1807 – 1892) American poet & advocate of the abolition of slavery

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Trying is the first step towards failure.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

[Extending his hand at a campaign stop] I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you?
Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

I was mistaken for a prostitute once in the last war; when a GI asked me what I charged, I said, ‘Well, dear, what do your mother and sisters normally ask for?’

(1911 – 2003) English actress

When your opponent is down… kick him.

Armageddon is Australian for "Armageddon outta here!"

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

I never lost my job while I was leading a race.

American auto racer

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

(1962 – ) comedian, actor, voice actor, screenwriter, & film & television director

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

I had to recently move back home, because my mom was having trouble paying both our rents.

Actress & comedian

Do unto others, then run.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor

Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.


Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Regardless of how you attempt to insert an electrical plug… it will be backwards.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

The best way to keep a man is in doubt.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist