Subject: Situations

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

If I was “The Bachelor” we’d all play Mario Kart for eight weeks… then I’d pick the one with the biggest boobs.

American comedian

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

It's as if a guy drove me into a ditch and said, 'Don't worry, I know how to drive us out of this.'

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Are you buying or selling?

(1906 – 1998) Russian-born English film producer & media mogul

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.

If you are going through hell… keep going.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Better late than… pregnant.

If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist

If you perm your hair twice in opposite directions, does it come out straight?

(1975 – ) English physicist

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?


(1924 – ) American businessman, president, CEO of Chrysler Corporation

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

We're like two peas in a pot.













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