Subject: Situations

I can tolerate without discomfort being waited on hand and foot.

(1908 – 1986) English cartoonist, author, art critic & stage designer

You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.

100% pure yarn.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

It's like, I hate getting up in the morning, unless it's over and over and over and over again… then I'm good.

American comedian & musician

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

(1954 – ) American television host, actress, producer & philanthropist

Strategy is buying a bottle of fine wine when you take a lady out for dinner; tactics is getting her to drink it.

(1920 – 1998) English comedy writer, radio & television personality

If you volunteer to do a task that nobody likes to do, you'll be expected to do it every time in the future.

I’m not a believer in luck… but I do believe you need it.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool; I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

The great mass of men lead lives of quiet domestication.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

The tire is only flat on the bottom.

What makes resisting temptation difficult for many people is they don't want to discourage it completely.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

I remixed a remix… it was back to normal.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Everything takes longer than you expect — even when you expect it to take longer than you expect.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

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