Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 3)
A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Body
Situations
Nose
Plastic surgery
Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? … What is the logic in that? … do tall people burn slower?
Warren Hutcherson
(1963 – ) American comedian & writer
Situations
Fire drill
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Anonymous
Situations
Time
Pizza
Police
Society
Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank Him for not having given it wings.
Ethiopian proverb
Proverbs
Situations
My grandfather was actually a Holocaust survivor, and you can tell that it really affected him because to this day, he still will not walk into a gas chamber.
Dan Mintz
(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Relationships
Situations
Gas chambers
Grandfathers
Holocaust
Doug probably fell while he was looking for a place to jump.
Harold Ramis
(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer
Situations
Irony
On the death [by accidental fall] of friend Douglas Kenney
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children
Family
Situations
If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Intelligence
Situations
Bat shit
I slept with this girl, in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed… she said one pig in the blanket was enough.
Jay London
(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Food/Drink
Situations
Breakfast in bed
Personality
You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.
Dov Davidoff
American comedian & actor
Activities
Drugs
Situations
Naked
I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking… and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… so she’s dead.
Anthony Jeselnik
(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating
Relationships
Situations
Snakes
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein
(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence
Situations
Insanity
Results
If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.
Anonymous
Problems
Situations
Duct tape
Repairs
If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.
Eugene Mirman
(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Situations
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink
Situations
Sleep
Dreams
Shredded wheat
Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
Adrienne Gusoff
writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Animals
Dogs
Life
Situations
Bitch
Puppies
You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people?… you know, I could understand one or two, but 17 – you're eating just to eat.
Bruce Baum
(1951 – ) American comedian & writer
Eating
Food/Drink
Situations
Cannibalism
Jeffrey Dahmer
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
Dane Cook
(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Situations
Drunk
Taxi cabs
A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.
Shmuel Breban
Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Anger
Emotions
Marriage
Situations
Sleep
Things are never as bad as they turn out to be.
White’s Law
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Situations
Richard N. White
I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day; I haven't had time for tobacco since.
Arturo Toscanini
(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor
Activities
People
Situations
Women
Kissing
Smoking
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