Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 3)
Nobody who can read is ever successful at cleaning out the attic.
Anonymous
Situations
Attics
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
(1982 – ) American author
Emotions
Love
Situations
Holding hands
I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations
Horror films
I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Things
Frisbees
Maybe
my mind chewed off more than the mind should bite.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops
Situations
Bit off more than I could chew
Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t work for the rabbit.
R.E. Shay
American humorist
Situations
Luck
Rabbit’s foot
The three words you never want to hear while making love… honey, I'm home.
Ken Hammond
Sex
Situations
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
Anonymous
Situations
We must believe in luck; for how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like.
Jean Cocteau
(1889 – 1963) French poet, novelist, playwright, artist & filmmaker
Situations
Success
Luck
There are only two occasions when Americans respect privacy, especially in presidents; those are prayer and fishing.
Herbert Hoover
(1929 – 1933) 31st U.S. president, humanitarian
America
Characteristics
Situations
Fishing
Prayer
Privacy
Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there.
Franklin Jones
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Characteristics
People
Situations
Neighbors
Noise
Party
Tolerance
If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment
Situations
Parades
You might be a redneck if… you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People
Rednecks
Situations
Things
Trucks
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People
Situations
Magicians
Streets full of water. Please Advise.
Robert Benchley
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Situations
Telegram to his editor upon arriving in Venice
Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.
Billy Crystal
(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death
Situations
Upon receiving the Mark Twain Prize for Humor
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Places
Situations
Airports
Luggage
The only problem with having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest.
Franklin Jones
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Problems
Situations
Work
Rest
I like trying to get pregnant; I'm not so sure about childbirth.
George Eliot
Mary Anne Evans (1819 – 1880) English novelist, journalist & translator
Sex
Situations
Childbirth
Pregnancy
My wife said to me ‘I hope you win… but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don’t think it makes up for never saying it when we’re alone.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Situations
On winning an Emmy Award
Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Hearing
Parentheses
Page 3 of 53
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