Subject: Situations (Page 3)

Nobody who can read is ever successful at cleaning out the attic.

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

(1982 – ) American author

I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Maybe my mind chewed off more than the mind should bite.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t work for the rabbit.

American humorist

The three words you never want to hear while making love… honey, I'm home.


I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

We must believe in luck; for how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like.

(1889 – 1963) French poet, novelist, playwright, artist & filmmaker

There are only two occasions when Americans respect privacy, especially in presidents; those are prayer and fishing.

(1929 – 1933) 31st U.S. president, humanitarian

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

You might be a redneck if… you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

The only problem with having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

I like trying to get pregnant; I'm not so sure about childbirth.

Mary Anne Evans (1819 – 1880) English novelist, journalist & translator

My wife said to me ‘I hope you win… but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don’t think it makes up for never saying it when we’re alone.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer