Subject: Situations (Page 4)

When you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring; I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.

American comedian

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

So, I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend… and all of a sudden I’m thinking… oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

(1956 – ) American comedian

The grass is always greener on the side that’s watered.

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, “Back up, I don't know how big this gets.”

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist

Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Nothing is impossible; some things are just less likely than others.

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor

When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

He never seemed to be doing anything, and yet he did not like to be disturbed at it.

(1807 – 1892) American poet & advocate of the abolition of slavery

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer