Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 4)
When you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring; I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.
Don Rickles
(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations
About Frank Sinatra
Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself.
Charles Barkley
(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball
Situations
Sports
Changing diapers
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.
Bo Burnham
American comedian
Situations
Homeless
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Robertson's Law
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Time
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos
Situations
Things
Headlights
Strobe lights
So, I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend… and all of a sudden I’m thinking… oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother.
Sarah Silverman
(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Family
Mothers
Sex
Situations
Jelly
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Fathers
Situations
Ice-skating
Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Mistakes
Problems
Situations
Time
Experience
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Situations
Business
My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Dating
Relationships
Situations
The grass is always greener on the side that’s watered.
Proverb
Proverbs
Situations
Grass is always greener
lawns
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, “Back up, I don't know how big this gets.”
Robin Williams
(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Sex
Situations
Adam
Eve
Penis
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Expressions
Situations
Good
A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it.
Austin O’Malley
(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Problems
Situations
Holes
Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.
Ashleigh Brilliant
(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Problems
Situations
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People
Situations
Hanukkah
Holidays
Texans
Nothing is impossible; some things are just less likely than others.
Jonathan Winters
(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor
Situations
Achievement
Impossible
When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.
Hartig's Sleeve in the Cup
,
Thumb in the Butter Law
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Situations
Elegant
Sophisticated
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Anonymous
Problems
Situations
Ears
Mouth
Trouble
He never seemed to be doing anything, and yet he did not like to be disturbed at it.
John Greenleaf Whittier
(1807 – 1892) American poet & advocate of the abolition of slavery
Characteristics
Situations
Work
Of Nathaniel Hawthorne
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Life
Situations
Page 4 of 53
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