Subject: Situations (Page 51)

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations

A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Problems Situations

When a broken appliance is demonstrated to the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Why do I always meet women as I’m leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? … and it’s always on the day I forgot my dog…

(1964 – ) American comedian
Animals Dogs Relationships Situations

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Situations Work

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Situations

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was ‘Always.’

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Relationships Situations

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Family Parents Situations

The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me: “How many in your party?” and I said “Six hundred million.”

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Government Situations

How to locate the slow-moving traffic lane or check-out land: Get in it.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.


Memory Murphy’s Laws People Problems Situations

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor
Individuals People Situations

Usta could…

Situations

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Situations

What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?

Irish journalist
Situations

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

(1864 – 1910) French author
Characteristics Situations

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations Stupidity TV/Movie Quotes

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Why do they collect garbage at 5 a.m.; it’s garbage… it’s not going to go bad again.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Situations Time

Automation has opened up a whole new field of unemployment.

Situations Work