Subject: Things

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Things always fall at right angles.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

I lost my mood ring and now I don't how to feel about it.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian

Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.

(1980 – ) cartoonist

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.


Batteries die at the most critical time of the most complex problem.

You might be a redneck if… your pickup has a two-tone paint job – primer red and primer gray.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Any product cut to length will be too short.

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

(1932 – ) American biologist & educator

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

One thing that really irritates me is a thousand things.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.

(1936 – ) novelist
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