Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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It’s not living alone if you keep a rifle under the bed.
(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Every car has a lot of speed
it. The trick is getting the speed
American auto racer
Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately; I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else; the same with good manners.
(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
New York City
Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
(1973 – ) American comedian
Photograph: A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
People on horses look better than they are; people in cars look worse than they are.
(1904 – 1990) American author & critic
I knew a guy who had a waterbed on a houseboat, to cancel out the rocking.
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
Personally, I’m waiting for caller IQ.
(1955 – ) American comedian, singer, actress & author
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
Peter De Vries
(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls; so, for her birthday, I put one of those ‘How’s my driving?’ bumper stickers on her car.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
Laws of Computer Programming VII
An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.
(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker
You get the most of what you need the least.
Law of Gifts
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