Subject: Things

It’s not living alone if you keep a rifle under the bed.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist

Every car has a lot of speed in it. The trick is getting the speed out of it.

American auto racer

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately; I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else; the same with good manners.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author

Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Photograph: A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

People on horses look better than they are; people in cars look worse than they are.

(1904 – 1990) American author & critic

I knew a guy who had a waterbed on a houseboat, to cancel out the rocking.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

American comedian

Personally, I’m waiting for caller IQ.

(1955 – ) American comedian, singer, actress & author

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls; so, for her birthday, I put one of those ‘How’s my driving?’ bumper stickers on her car.


If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker

You get the most of what you need the least.

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