Subject: Things

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

(1934 – 1982) English writer, comedian & actor

I play the harmonica, but only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Byrne's Law: In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

You might be a redneck if… the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

American comedian & television host

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder… I don't get on with my real ladder.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles.

(1912 – 1969) Norwegian figure skater & actress

An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Pictures deface walls oftener than they decorate them.

(1867 – 1959) architect, interior designer, writer & educator

I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!', and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

There are two things no man will admit he cannot do well: drive and make love.

(1929 – ) English race car driver

1. Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed. 2. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. 3. Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.