Subject: Things

No shoelace ever broke being untied.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Desk: A waste basket with drawers.

Definitions Things

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist
People Places Sex Things

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Computers People Self Things

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Autos Children Family Things

A cigarette placed in an ashtray will go out if you stay in the room; if you leave the room, the cigarette will topple to the table, burn through, and drop to the floor, where it will smolder until it descends to ignite the drapes in the room below.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Boston's freeway system was clearly designed by a person who had spent his childhood crashing toy trains.

American author
Places Things

I got a smoke alarm at home… but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Photograph: A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Art Definitions Things

Crowded lifts (elevators) smell different to people with restricted growth.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Things

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.


Animals Things

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Conflict Things

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector… it was beeping all night.

(1976 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Things

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I’d like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines; it’d have to be real big!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Shopping Things

Carla: I have a way with inanimate objects.

Cliff: Maybe you’d like to take a crack at Norm here.

(1947 – ) American actor & entrepreneur
Things TV/Movie Quotes

Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Things

Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things