Subject: Things

You think it's possible for them to design an electric car that doesn't look like a gay spaceship?

(1953 – ) American comedian & writer

Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.

American cartoonist & greeting card illustrator

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder… I don't get on with my real ladder.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You're never too poor for good toilet paper.


Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive; last week she learned how to aim it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

No matter the amount of care given to a purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three (3) days of warranty expiration.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

(1940 – ) Italian-American auto racer

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian

Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The first requisite of intelligent tinkering is to save all the pieces.

Mobile phone cancer is more common in the city; so is everything else, including sex, coffee and conversation.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

If you can't fix it, feature it.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Life is too short to own a German car.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
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