Subject: Things

The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.

In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

You might be a redneck if… your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Saturday afternoon, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes this railway by surprise.

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator

The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Any organization is like a septic tank; the really big chunks rise to the top.

(1923 – 2005) American professor

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I came from a real tough neighborhood; on my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going?… I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Desk: A waste basket with drawers.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.

(1936 – ) novelist

A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.

(1904 – 1979) newspaper editor & professor

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Traffic congestion increases in proportion to the length of time the street is supervised by a traffic control officer.

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