Subject: Things

Antique: Something too old to be anything but too expensive.

If you play with anything long enough, it will break.

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

Ninety percent of “everything” is crud.

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Never buy a car that has a wick.

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The three things that mean the most to me in life are my parents, Casablanca and college football – not necessarily in that order.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator

If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

You might be a redneck if… your the tail light covers of your car are made of red tape.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

An antique is something that’s been useless so long it’s still in pretty good condition.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

No man can hear his telephone ring without wishing heartily that Alexander Graham Bell had been run over by an ice wagon at the age of four.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.

American entrepreneur & author

User: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
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