Subject: Things

Why can’t Facebook end instead of Letterman?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

A church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

(1959 – ) Australian writer & television producer

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author

My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls; so, for her birthday, I put one of those ‘How’s my driving?’ bumper stickers on her car.


Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist

When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out; now I can go 500 mph.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian

How To Avoid Huge Ships (Second Edition)

There are two things no man will admit he cannot do well: drive and make love.

(1929 – ) English race car driver

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author

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