Subject: Things

I always expect to see lottery balls blowing around inside there with him.


You might be a redneck if… you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

A falling nozzle will turn toward you and land on its trigger.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford… then I want to move in with them.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

(1948 – ) English novelist

Computing power increases as the square of the cost; if you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times slower.

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor… especially in the dark.

It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.

(1880 – ?) American author

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?

(1924 – ) American businessman, president, CEO of Chrysler Corporation

A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

Window: A looking-out glass.

A million monkeys were given a million typewriters… it’s called the Internet.

(1967 – ) English comedian

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, “There’s water in the carburetor.” I asked her, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In a lake.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

The tire is only flat on the bottom.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

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