Subject: Things

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

I’d like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines; it’d have to be real big!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Never think of your car as a cold machine, but as a hot-blooded horse.

Argentinian auto racer

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist

Men still die with their boots on, but usually one boot is on the accelerator.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

The two leading recipes for success are building a better mousetrap and finding a bigger loophole.

Men love watches with multiple functions; my husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going?… I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.

(1885 – 1951) American novelist, short-story writer & playwright

I knew a guy who had a waterbed on a houseboat, to cancel out the rocking.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian