Subject: Things

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

(1917 – ) Hungarian-born American actress

Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else’s.

(John Bloom) (1953 – ) American film critic, writer & actor

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

You might be a redneck if… your daughter's Barbie Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.

(1967 – ) English comedian

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Boston's freeway system was clearly designed by a person who had spent his childhood crashing toy trains.

American author

When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

A private railroad car is not an acquired taste… one takes to it immediately.

(1879 – 1979) English-American actor & writer

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.

Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

Love will make you move all the way across the country and sell all your shit… just to get away from that person.

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately; I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer













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