Subject: Things » Autos

1. You can get “anywhere” in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
2. Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
3. The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
4. This lane ends in 500 feet.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I thought “RV” stood for “Recreational Vehicle…” No! It stands for “Ruins Vacations.”

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There are two things no man will admit he cannot do well: drive and make love.

(1929 – ) English race car driver

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

No two people in a car can agree on which window should be open… and how much.

The better the four-wheel drive, the further away you'll be when you get stuck.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian

Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor’s new one.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.

1.6 Million Cherokees Are Recalled

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
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