Subject: Things » Autos

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I could stand up in the seat and not hit my head.

American auto racer

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite; green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

This lane ends in 500 feet.

The better the four-wheel drive, the further away you'll be when you get stuck.

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

(1940 – ) Italian-American auto racer

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Confucius say… when driving near schools, open your eyes and save the pupils.

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

(1935 – 2002) English actor, comedian, composer & musician

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

(1941 – ) actor, writer, poet & feminist

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

(1947 – ) radio broadcaster & host

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor’s new one.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

The distance you have to park from your apartment increases in proportion to the weight of packages you are carrying.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it; I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My wife told me she likes to have sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
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