Subject: Things » Autos

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor’s new one.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I came from a real tough neighborhood; on my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The better the four-wheel drive, the further away you'll be when you get stuck.

I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in; now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

1. Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
2. You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
3. A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

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