Subject: Things » Autos

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

1867 – 1931) English novelist

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.

People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

My car broke down this morning before I did.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I came from a real tough neighborhood; on my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?

(1924 – ) American businessman, president, CEO of Chrysler Corporation

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

You might be a redneck if… you've painted a car with house paint.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

When you need towns, they are very far apart.

My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls; so, for her birthday, I put one of those ‘How’s my driving?’ bumper stickers on her car.


Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

(1964 – ) American comedian
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