Subject: Things » Autos

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

People can have the Model T in any color – so long as it's black.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist

In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

Traffic Light: A trick to get pedestrians halfway across the street safely.

I've got to tell you, that's a gorgeous four-and-a-half hour drive in from the airport.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Every car has a lot of speed in it. The trick is getting the speed out of it.

American auto racer

You think it's possible for them to design an electric car that doesn't look like a gay spaceship?

(1953 – ) American comedian & writer

My car broke down this morning before I did.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.

The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost.

I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

(1935 – 2002) English actor, comedian, composer & musician

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian

The better the four-wheel drive, the further away you'll be when you get stuck.