Subject: Things » Autos

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

My wife told me she likes to have sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The distance you have to park from your apartment increases in proportion to the weight of packages you are carrying.

Never think of your car as a cold machine, but as a hot-blooded horse.

Argentinian auto racer

My daughter… she failed her drivers test; she couldn’t get used to the front seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… you removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

His car is so expensive the radiator requires Perrier.

If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two new parking spaces right in front of the building entrance.

What a lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile; otherwise can you imagine the awful screeching?

(1890 – 1947) Russian-American screenwriter & musical composer

I like handicapped men ’cause a handicapped man get a check and a good parking space.

(1971 – ) American comedian & actress

There’s an unseen force which lets birds know when you’ve just washed your car.

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

(1941 – ) actor, writer, poet & feminist

They think they can make fuel from horse manure…. now, I don’t know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

(1915 – 1959) American jazz singer & songwriter

Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.

In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

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