Subject: Things » Autos

I’m not a fighter; I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If only two cars are left in a vast parking lot, one will be blocking the other.

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

1. If you can get to the faulty part, you won't have the tool to get it off. 2. If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it back ordered. 3. If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first place.

His car is so expensive that instead of a stereo, Pavaratti takes requests from the back seat.

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

(1959 – ) American comedian

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

1867 – 1931) English novelist

Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

My Dad always told me there’s three things you need to have in the boot of your car: a blanket, a shovel and a flask; and he’s right – because whenever I’ve killed a man I’m parched.

(1975 – ) English comedian

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

The way I see it… If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you’re doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host