Subject: Things » Autos

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

You might be a redneck if… your the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The better the four-wheel drive, the further away you'll be when you get stuck.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio; if all the stations are rock ‘n’ roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.

(1940 – ) American radio disc jockey

Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

You might be a redneck if… your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I learned in my car that I could not have children; it was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Confucius say… when driving near schools, open your eyes and save the pupils.

I don't have any trouble parking; I drive a forklift.

(1948 – 1990) comedian

If only two cars are left in a vast parking lot, one will be blocking the other.

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

1867 – 1931) English novelist

If most auto accidents happen within five miles of home, why don’t we move ten miles away?

1. Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
2. You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
3. A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The Literacy Site