Subject: Things » Computers

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

comedian, commentator, radio host, reporter & writer

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers.

American computer programmer

Just tried to switch to Bing… Google was like, “You can, but it’d be a real shame if some of your old searches got out.”

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer

Never program and drink beer at the same time.

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

1. Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed. 2. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. 3. Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.

journalist, media executive & entrepreneur

Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why?… the answer is one word: versions.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

If you can’t navigate a one-level, five-item phone tree, you didn’t need a computer anyway.

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

To err is human… and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Any program will expand to fill available memory.

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House?

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.

We are now able to create virtual realities on computers… are we all living in one created by someone in the future?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

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