Subject: Things (Page 2)

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Alcohol Beer Food/Drink Things

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant; if you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.

(1946 – ) American comedian
Things

Even the police have an unlisted number.

(1908 – 1996) actor & comedian
Government Hollywood Law Things

If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Alcohol Beer Computers Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws Things

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Things Time

Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll beneath the vehicle to its exact centre.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.

(1987 – ) British comedian
Communication Things Wordplay

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist
People Places Sex Things

You might be a redneck if… your pickup has a two-tone paint job – primer red and primer gray.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor
Animals Arms Government Things

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Conflict Things

Byrne's Law: In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Failure Murphy’s Laws Things

Met a guy this morning with a glass eye; he didn’t tell me – it just came out in the conversation.

(1954 – ) American writer
Miscellaneous Things

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Accidents Autos Things

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Characteristics Things

Crowded lifts (elevators) smell different to people with restricted growth.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Things

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Old Things