Subject: Things (Page 3)

Window: A looking-out glass.

Definitions Things

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

I'd never buy my girl a watch… she's already got a clock over the stove.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball Sports Things

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Harp: A piano in the nude.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

I’m not a fighter; I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Autos Conflict Fights Things

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

Definitions Things

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Autos Driving

I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man… but apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

You never find anything until you replace it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

Activities Definitions Shopping Things

You always find something in the last place you look.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Autos Money Things

Put the trash in the Hipsy-Hampster.

Malaprops Things

Velcro: what a rip-off.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Things

Scissors: A piece maker.

Definitions Things

A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Things

The wonderful world of home appliances now makes it possible to cook indoors with charcoal and outdoors with gas.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Places Things

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Shopping Things